Askham Bryan Cricket Club

0838 Hours. Steve Mason calls Albert on his mobile.

S: “(chirpily) Morning Albert”
A: “(drowsily) Morning Steve”
S: “Have I just woken you up?”
A: “No, I woke up about 2 minutes ago” [This was actually the truth]
S: “Ah right. Have you looked out the window?”
A: “No…”
S: “Shall I leave you a bit longer so you can get up?”
A: “No…I just thought you were going to tell me! I hadn’t made it as far as the window yet…Is it bright sunshine?”
S: “I’m still in Malton, but Jon Latham tells me it’s raining in York”
A: “(gets to the window) Oh. Yeah. Well, it’s kind of drizzling. And the path is wet. So yeah, it’s probably been raining.”

And so began a rather wet day. The drizzling became “that light rain that soaks you through”. Which then became just plain rain. It then turned into heavy rain.

Still, unperturbed and (mostly) keen to play, we arrived at the College as the rain continued to pour. Pocklington called early – they weren’t coming. It was set in – it had rained all morning, and the forecast was bad, so they decided not to bother. Fair enough.

The pitch inspection gave a little hope. The wicket was in reasonable condition and the water was draining well. If only it would clear up, and maybe bring some sunshine…

…This, of course, didn’t happen, and it rained pretty much constantly until 2pm. In the meantime, Mandy and Damian entertained the troops with Barbeque food (wisely served under a marquee), with the barbeque seeming to be the only source of heat in the solar system that morning.

Steve decided to pick up the tea from the pub (aided by yours truly). The deluge continued, and I continued to say “oh look, there’s a bit of blue sky over there Steve”…followed by “actually, no, I was only kidding. It’s miserable everywhere”. Meanwhile Steve reassured me that “it’s clear in Leeds”. Surely the Mason would come to his senses and call off the soggy affair?

We returned with the sandwiches. Briefly over lunch the rain stopped for about 1 minute. It then returned even heavier, hoping to send home the motley crew. Yet they were resilient – the SPL team had traveled from Sheffield, the Copmanthorpe team across the A64. They weren’t going to budge, and wanted a game. Therefore just after lunch, in fairly heavy rain, the teams headed out to play.

And so began the competition. Several matches followed, with sawdust and slippage being common features of the first game. The SPL took on Copmanthorpe in the first encounter and, with a lack of spikes, were at a slight frictive disadvantage. Cop saw their advantage home.

Askham then took on Cop and started off brightly, with skipper Jim in particularly good form. Latham and Sharpie batted very steadily and put on a good total to chase. Cop seemed to be behind the run-rate all the time, but then had a couple of big overs and saw their way into the final.

The final match of the league was the decider for the final – Askham vs. SPL. SPL batted first and set a total of 46 for Askham to win, which seemed achievable for the home side. However, Askham batted steadily and began to lose wickets. With three balls remaining a wicket fell, leaving Jon Latham to join Damian at the crease, with 3 needed to win. Jon tapped the penultimate ball for a quick single, leaving Damian needing to hit 2 to win. He hit the final ball for 4, to see the ABs into the final.

The final was also a close encounter. The weather had finally dried up by this point and there was even the very occasional appearance of sun, which meant Umpire Hall removed his raincoat for 2-3 minutes during the match. Sharpie and Latham opened again and batted positively, with Pete hitting some short balls to the boundary, particularly noteworthy being his pull shot for 6. He fell shortly afterwards and the wickets and runs continued to come, with Brad and Tom finishing off the final over to set a target of over 50.

Cop started slowly, struggling against some tight Askham bowling. Steve Littlewood bowled a great first over, with Sideshow Jim following up by nearly taking a hat-trick in his next over. Cop were behind the rate but still had some wickets in hand. They took some risks in the penultimate over which came off and saw them needing only 5 to win with 6 balls remaining. Steve Mason bowled well, but couldn’t keep the visitors from knocking the winning runs.

Therefore Copmanthorpe were declared champions, and rightly so following a good performance throughout the day. Following the trophy presentation, the SPL and Askham had a final 10 over play off match in the best sunshine of the day. Aided by a mystery attacking player opening the batting with the equally positive Steve Mason (28 not out) Askham set a tough total of over 90, which the SPL unfortunately couldn’t muster.

I can’t really do justice to all the cricket played, so please feel free to add your highlights in the comments. However, the efforts of the younger players were particularly impressive – Steve L for some fantastic bowling and batting, Brad Wood for great all round performances (particularly with his athletic fielding and catching) and finally to Tom, who kept wicket superbly and batted really positively.

THANK YOUS

1) Firstly, thanks to all the players (and players friends) for coming and putting up with appalling weather conditions. It was worth it in the end as some great cricket was played. Particular thanks go to Cop for sticking it out and being keen to play, and for the SPL for coming such a long way to take part, and doing so with such good humour.
2) Thanks to Mandy and Damian for putting on the barbeque and entertaining the troops. Legends.
3) Thanks to our umpires, including Mark “just completed a triathlon and needing an isotonic Carling” Grewer, but especially Paul “Scooby” Thornton, who umpired consistently in some pretty awful conditions.
4) Chris Copeland, for his behind-the-scenes organisation of the tournament
5) And by no means least, the might Steve Mason for organising things on the day, particularly his boundless optimism for playing (in spite of my curmudgeonly opposition).

Same time next year?

…

(only if the weather forecast is better)

Kelfield CC beat Askham Bryan CC 1st XI by 51 runs

This is a debut guest report by Dave ‘The ‘Leo’ Slayer’ Sladen.

Fresh from their giant killing cup exploits at Wheldrake the previous week, Askham’s finest arrived at a windy and cloudy Kelfield aiming to maintain the early season form which has seen them rise to the upper echelons of the division. On first impressions from the rear entrance the ground resembled not much more than a Paddy field. In truth what met us was a glorious looking pitch complete with pavilion-cum-balcony, fenced boundaries (though proved to be fairly redundant – more on this later) and Lord’s style banked boundary. Throw in some friendly, welcoming but competitive opposition, and the scene looked set for a fine afternoon’s cricket.

Late, but unavoidable withdrawals from the team meant Phil ‘The Tinkerman’ Allen was forced to dip into the deep ABCC squad at his disposal for replacements. Doug Strachan and J Mcullough Snr his able deputies. I do not know the outcome of the toss, but Askham were in the field first up in windy conditions and on what was to be an excellent batting track.

Kelfield Innings

A fresh and un-intoxicated Sideshow began well, extracting good pace and bounce from the new ball. Copeland, as senior pro, took responsibility for bowling into a strong wind. Time stood still as a 20 stride run-up battled against strong Aeolian forces (Geography teacher, apologies – had to get something in!). In a figment of my imagination, I saw Angus Fraser overtaking Herr Copeland.

As a keen follower of various sports (football and cricket being the variety), I have often philosophised about what home advantage really is and why does it actually matter. Well the Kelfied openers demonstrated what it is and why it does matter, as they sent any short or overpitched bowling packing to, or indeed over, the boundary. This cliché conjures up images of suitcases and other miscellaneous baggage. In which case, this particular suitcase was full to the brim of short bowling. Like when you need to clip those elastic cords together. Or when you have to sit on it to squeeze it all in. Shall I continue?

The game very quickly fell into a worrying pattern for Askham: Bowler bowls – short pitched – Batsman swats ball out of ground – players of both teams climb fences, trawl through shrubbery and foliage for lost ball – find lost ball – repeat cycle. At one point, to such an extent that local school children took up residence in the woods on ball retrieving duties to give Askham’s over rate a much needed boost. Kelfield put the Askham attack to the sword and an increasing run rate took on an exponential quality. This was home advantage being fully exploited. Kelfield were not trying to hammer the ball, but use a true bounce and new ball to steer it to the shorter corners of the ground. Crumbs of comfort were collected by Copeland as his swinging delivery was too good for the swinging bat of Batsman no2. Askham were on the board.

They may have been on the board, but little changed. Adrian Stipetic replaced Sideshow (already having accumulated a fine for a 15+ run over). Batsman no1. was in no mood for entertaining our leg spinner’s guile and flight and was but one run from imposing a double version of this cruel fine on Adrian. T.H.E.T.G Grewer replaced Copeland with some wily wobbly dobbers. Despite being heavily under the cosh and at risk of being out of the game before the drinks break, Askham’s fielding and team spirit remained undeterred. Very soon this would have game changing ramifications.

With less than 20 overs gone and the scoreboard reading 160-1, Chris Copeland, fielding at cover, inexplicably began his own Gymnastic performance for the crowd’s pleasure. Packed full of forward rolls, backward rolls, front tucks, teddy bear rolls, double backs and cartwheels, he writhed around the floor uncontrollably. Amidst all this supple showmanship, he took an average catch to remove Batsmen no1. for an excellent 91……..of the 7th ball of a 6 ball over! If you wish to view the celebration which followed watch Gazza’s Euro 96 goal celebration on YouTube, only replace Gazza for Copeland and remove the squirting water. Classy it wasn’t. Cathartic it was.

What followed was a true Phoenix from then Flames tale. Somebody, somewhere, someday will make a film about it. Like a scene from the beaches of Iwo Jima, Askham’s bruised and battered fielders began their renaissance against all the odds. Ably led by some fine bowling from a resurgent Grewer-Stipetic partnership, Askham turned the screw like a Boa Constrictor round the neck of the Kelfield innings. The fielding was sharp, the catching faultless (most notably from Simon Walton and Adrian Stipetic), and the umpiring helpful. From 161-2 at 18 overs, Kelfield fell to 224 all out in 36 overs. Grewer finished with 5-55 and Adrian 4-84.

Tea

My opinions on cricket teas must be placed in context. My fiancée does not let me eat sausages at home, so any cricket tea which includes sausage rolls immediately scores highly for me. Strengths of the Kelfield tea were undoubtedly the sausage rolls, the Battenberg and homemade chocolate cake. All food was well prepared. Weaknesses were the lack of variety in sandwich and cake choice. Conspicuous by its presence was the interference of an artificial element to the cheese sandwich – this week coming in the form of pickle. This taken into consideration, I award Kelfield a 6 out of 10 and in summary say good food, lacking in variety.

Askham Innings

Typically, the conditions had improved and were easier for bowling by the time Kelfield took to the field in defence of 224. Still, the pitch was still good and the boundary of short proportions (unsurprisingly), and although perhaps lighter on batting firepower than in previous weeks, Askham approached their pursuit confidently.
Allen and Strachan began well. Allen particularly so, looking to be putting a run of bad form behind him as he used his feet well to keep the runs and boundaries ticking over. Kelfield’s bowlers though were bowling good lines, getting some swing and not giving the pair much width and length to play with. This pressure culminated in Doug edging to first slip and Phil being run out for 28 soon after. Adrian got quickly into his usual stride – punishing the bad balls and working singles where possible. The bowling remained tight.

Adrian had been joined at the crease by Dave Sladen, whose first notable contribution was to flick the first ball from Kelfield’s first change bowler – a hot headed chap – off his hips long into the surrounding paddy fields. With score moving along, Askham needed a partnership from ‘des professeurs’. Adrian duly got out LBW to an excellent slower ball from Rhodes. The T.H.E.T.G Grewer joined Leo Slayer at the crease.

The bowling remained tight and though Askham fell behind the run rate, Sladen and Grewer were looking good and safe and picking up runs when they could. With the firepower of TG in the bank, and Kelfield’s fifth bowler yet to be called upon the pair waited with baited breath knowing that the fate of the game lay in his mystery presence. He arrived. He resembled Justin Beiber, bowled with his left arm, swung the ball prodigiously onto the pads. Sladen looked to get after him from his first ball and his first over went for 10.

This was it – Askham’s moment in the game had arrived. One tight, but tiring and temperamental bowler. The other a young lad struggling with his line. Two in form batsmen. One of them the hard hitting and uncompromising Grewer, ably supported by his partner in crime (remember Westow? A Sladen-Grewer partnership of 100 of which Grewer contributed 90% of the runs).

In the time that you could say ‘over-hyped, needlessly dramatic and drawn out cricket report writing’, Sladen was gone, caught behind for 45. Joined by Prateek, Grewer immediately looked to lead the charge – a huge six signalling his intent. I didn’t see it, but I heard it land on the roof of the pavilion. Around a few more lusty blows quick wickets fell. Prateek bowled. Grewer bowled for 35. Askham had given Kelfield plenty to think about, but it looked like the ‘moment’ had been and gone.

Hopes rested in Simon and Copeland. Kelfield’s bowling remained disciplined and their field placings sensible. SW and CC tried, but ones and twos were all they could find. A late flurry of wickets fell, none more crowd pleasing than Sideshow’s golden duck. Unfortunately, I did not see it, but I can well imagine how it would look in a Slideshow, Sideshow. Last ball drama surfaced as paintball extraordinaire Dale came to the crease on a hat-trick ball, but needing a 6 for another batting point. We had to settle for a sumptuous drive through the covers for 4, and Askham fell 51 runs shorts on 173-8.
A disappointing defeat then for Askham, which will dent a blow in their promotion hopes, but with 22 eyes firmly fixed down the barrel at approximately 3.00pm and 300+ on the cards at one point, salvaging some bonus points and only a 51 run defeat will provide confidence as we return to Fortress Askham next week.

Editor’s note – This is a guest report from The Copeland.

A glorious day dawned in York, greeting Askham’s plucky band of giantkillers as they pondered another potentially lucrative cup run. Could they follow up on last year’s heroics, when the higher division lambs to the slaughter were Bishopthorpe? Could they fulfil their promise as a potential banana skin in waiting for Wheldrake? And is there such as thing as a potential banana skin? Surely a thing either is, or is not, a banana skin?

All these questions remained tantalisingly unanswered as our heroes headed south, which as everybody knows, is the way to warmer climes.

Except in Wheldrake.

Grizzled veteran The Copeland was heard to remark that he had never – NEVER – experienced anything other than miserable weather playing here. Despite a forecast of unadulterated sunshine and 18°C for the whole of the Vale of York, this was a game for the full 3 layers. The Zeeshan was forced to don a fetching black striped “performance underlayer” as he was caught out by the unseasonal Baltic winds and grey clouds.

However, with the recent lack of rain it was of course a day to bat first, wasn’t it? Not so, said The Allen, who was elected 1st XI captain this year largely on the basis that all he wants to do is bowl first. Like all Askham captains. On election night the wizened sages of the ABCC committee stroked their white beards with their gnarled, arthritic fingers and said Yes, he’s the man for us…

Happily, we lost the toss and were invited to bat by The Wheldrake, another compulsive insertor. Steve Waugh was spinning in his grave. Metaphorically speaking. He’s not dead.

Askham Innings

The Mohite led his captain out to the middle, intending as ever to smite his first ball for four. Could he do it? YES! The first ball was a rusty thigh-high full toss, which was duly despatched straight back past the bowler.

Unfortunately Parag couldn’t keep it going, and 2 balls later he played round a straight yorker and was bowled, bringing The Stipetic to the crease. Adrian applied the same fluency to his batting that he generally uses in the language lab, whilst Phil’s batting ability looked at best “conversational”. A steady period of consolidation ensued, with Adrian pulling and guiding several fours through the legside. Unfortunately our captain perished for 6 with the score having progressed to a reasonably healthy 26, the slow and unpredictable pitch deceiving him into offering a return catch to the bowler via a leading edge.

This latest setback brought The Wheeler to the crease, but he also struggled on a pitch that was looking increasingly dodgy. Many balls were barely lifting at all after pitching, causing all our batsmen problems. The odd one was even gaining a bit of extra lift. Returning batsmen and umpires were reporting strange lumps in the pitch. Maybe ingrowing hairs, or even acne, were the cause? Or is that just my face?

Dan managed to keep our heroic pedagogue company for a while though, and even assisted with a remarkable all-run four down to third man. Modern fielding positions, eh…

Once The Wheeler played around another straight one from the opening bowler, the Ginger Colossus strode to the wicket. Replete this week with Samson-esque (or is that Samson-ite?) microphone hairstyle and grizzly stubble, the Askham hopes were high that this could be the partnership to put us back on top. The Wood began positively, lofting the opening bowler repeatedly down the ground. Sadly for the spectators, The Stipetic’s latest masterclass came to a thoroughly unexpected end as he offered a simple catch behind for 33.

The Grewer and the Phantom Grewer were joined in an Old School Askham partnership-gasm and suddenly all was right with the world. This holy union led to the highest Askham partnership of the match, bossed by the strong arms of Pete Wood. One square cut boundary was struck with such force and sped to the fence with such vitesse that the onlookers recalled Robin Smith in his prime.

The Grewer was eventually undone by a ball which kept low, unfortunately a frequent occurrence on the day. The Zeeshan entered the fray and played positively from the start; Wheldrake knew it was a big moment when he was caught by a superb one-handed effort in the gully for an unlucky 13, with the score now 96-6.

It was at this time that the clean-shaven, former-talismanic Copeland made his return to the 1st XI. Was The Wood right to say shaving is an elementary cricketing error? Could The Copeland continue his early season form? With scores of 30, 5 & 4 he was looking for 3 runs to continue that sequence. Certainly his smooth chin brought no luck to the team, and actually precipitated a rapid clatter of wickets. The Ginger Behemoth was first to go, extremely unlucky to fall to a superb catch – diving forward behind the wicket for 24. Then The Hallis came and went, first dropped in the gully and then comprehensively bowled for 1. Then The Copeland finally ended his own misery. Having been also dropped at square leg, he attempted to pull a very short ball which proceeded to actually bury its way underground before emerging to hit the bottom of middle stump. 98-9…

The McCullough and The Dale then gave Askham hope with an entertaining and enterprising last wicket partnership, adding 14 priceless runs with a mixture of bookish biffs from Dr Rob and slacker swipes from the Mainshow wannabe. He Loves Those. Sadly the fun was ended all too soon as the pitch fooled Jim one last time and he lobbed up a catch to cover.

TEA

Our boys were “greeted” by one of the most unappetising teas ever seen in the York Vale league. “Value” white bread was wrapped round egg mayonnaise, cheese, and tuna, with a few sausage rolls and slices of pizza on another plate. Dessert consisted of some unidentifiable small cakes and Viscounts. Neither the best nor the worst bowler in Division 2 was impressed. Your correspondent felt a whole lot better on Sunday once his body had thoroughly rejected the sorry offerings.

Topics of conversation at tea were: What was the worst tea ever served up to anyone, ever, in the York Vale League? How bad would a tea have to be for a team to refuse to pay for it? What is the most depressing place in the world? Any answers to the usual address, please.

It was also decided that we would award marks for all teas going forward in the weekly reports. Your correspondent has also retrospectively awarded marks for the 3 games he played so far this season: Away vs Cawood (16th April) 8.5/10; Home vs Stockton & Hopgrove (23rd April) 7.5/10; Home vs Thorpe Willoughby (7th May) 7/10.

Tea mark this week: 2/10. We’ve had worse.

Wheldrake Innings

Our boys knew they were still in this game if the pitch continued to deteriorate and they could take early wickets, and they started in good spirits with The Ginger Avenger and The Zeeshan operating in bloodthirsty tandem. Could Woody lay down a first ball marker as Parag had done in the 1st innings?

His first ball was back of a length and hostile. The Wheldrake opener fenced at it, guiding it towards The Wheeler in the gully… who spilled a fairly regulation chance at head-height. Had he dropped the HPH Cup?

After a cautious start by the Wheldrake openers, Zeeshan befuddled his victim into missing a straight one and we were up and running, 9-1. The Ginger Destroyer was having no luck at the other end, despite terrifying all batsmen with his facial hair and hawkish demeanour. After another maiden from The Wood, Zeeshan returned, and was straight on the money, the batsman fencing him away through the gully region, unfortunately this time at ankle height and nowhere near the butter-fingered Wheeler.

But wait! Dan Wheeler chose this moment to write his name into Askham Bryan folklore. Hurling himself down and across like a goalkeeper on steroids, The Wheeler scooped his unfavoured left hand across the turf and underneath the speeding missile, plucking it millimetres from the ground like the man from Del Monte saving the best fruit from windfall oblivion. What a catch! One of the best your correspondent has ever seen, at all levels of the game… it was that good.

The Zeeshan was on a hat-trick! Now, as anyone who has ever been on for one before knows, Full and Straight is the requirement. Zeeshan charged in… Full, check. Straight… the ball just grazed the cut strip as it rocketed through to a startled Dr Dale. The fielders trudged back to their normal positions…

Within a few more overs, The Wood also gained just reward, bowling his man to leave Wheldrake tottering at 19-3. Just as Askham felt in control, Wheldrake consolidated to move slowly past 50 as The Mohite and The McCullough came into the attack. Sideshow was proving particularly hard to get away though, and his parsimoniousness was rewarded when he broke through to leave Wheldrake on 58-4 at drinks, roughly the same position as Askham had earlier been.

But Wheldrake remained patient, and they had to be as Classic McCullough lost his run up many, many times in one over… swearing louder and louder each time and seriously threatening The Copeland’s proud club record of Longest Over Ever Delivered. Who was timing him?

Gradually the scoreboard ticked over and Askham’s chance seemed to have come and gone; as none other than old ‘Safe Hands’ Grewer “dropped the HPH Cup” not once, but twice in one ball… and Wheldrake reached 83-4 as The Grewer and The Copeland trudged into the attack. Could Askham mount one final offensive? Cometh The Hour, cometh The Copeland. The Danger Man – Les Fearn, not Patrick McGoohan – was caught behind to a ball which held up into the wind and Askham had a sniff…

The Allen acted decisively and brought back his main men, The Zeeshan and The Ginger Executioner. The Zeeshan removed the last remaining batsman and it was that time again… Woody Time.

With each primeval roar it became clearer and clearer that Askham were rushing towards an early finish. The Ginger Marauder polished off the next 3 sacrificial lambs to leave Wheldrake on the brink, and miles away in Woody Towers his faithful hounds cowered, sure they could hear their master’s commanding voice on the strong westerly wind…

A farcical run-out engineered by The Hallis and Parag ended the slaughter 19 runs short of your heroes’ total, and Askham strode on to the next round of the HPH Cup. The Mitchell Cup? Maybe next year.

Askham Bryan 2s 89/3 beat Tadcaster Magnet 88 by 7 wickets

Skipper Bains lost the toss and the oppo chose to have a bat. Scooby started up from the car park end with Damian bowling from the shed end. Damian soon made an impact and first wicket fell, caught behind by Bala. Scooby then got in on the action with a C&B and another catch that was chipped to new player Matt “Coxsy” Cox at mid off. Damian also had a C&B and the top order were wobbled.

The 2 openers continued to bowl very well. Scooby picked up another caught behind and Damian picked up 2 wickets in quick succession, ripping out the pegs of 2 batsmen. Both bowlers were supported by some “national grid” fielding from all involved.

Change of bowling and Praveen came on at the car park end. Despite shouting “caaaaaaaatccchh” after every ball, whether the batsman had hit it in the air or not, he soon had his chance. This led to the……

Swan Lake Moment

The batsman chips it up in the air. Bains is standing at mid-wicket, time seems to slow down as he gracefully takes to the air, mere gravity no barrier. This prophetic union of man and ball, this defining moment of Saturday afternoons, this display which would fit in on BBC 4. We could only watch, open mouthed as the ball flew with the grace of a Scarborough seagull, right past Bains’ hand and into the outfield.

For those who want a visual representation of this, please see below.

Abhijit was bowling from the shed end. His off spinners were testing and he was unlucky not to pick up a wicket. He went for just 18 runs off 5 overs.

Like history repeating itself, like a sell-out crowd at the Bolshoi Theater in a rapturous standing ovation, an encore was required. Praveen charges in, the batsman chips it up to mid-wicket, Bains positions himself underneath it and safely takes the ball. Somewhere in heaven, Rudolf Nureyev sheds a tear.

Damian and Praveen the finished off the oppo, the last 2 men being bowled. Damian finished on 5-26 and Tadcaster Magnet finished on 88 all out.

Tea

The pub had again put on a decent spread of sandwiches, fruit, pasties and cakes. It was enjoyed by all players. Special thank you goes to our supporters including Marie and the Mason Clan.

Batting

Sam and Doug went out to the crease. Both started well, hitting boundaries within the first couple of overs. Doug was then unlucky to be given out LBW and Bains joined Sam at the crease. Sam was caught for 8 but got the innings off well.

Sharpey came out to join the skipper. The 2 got into stride and began batting confidently. The main highlight was an over from the shed end which went for 20, including 4 boundaries. We were up to the target before 20 overs.

However, there was a final twist in the tale. With scored level, Sharpey tried to finish it off by aiming for the car park but only managed to find mid-off, departing for 34. Brad scampered to put his pads back on and head out at number 5. Bains hit the winning runs and finished on 31 not out. A solid win by your heroes.

The team then retired to the Nag’s for a bit of killer darts and to greet the 1s on their successful win in the cup.

Awards

Brad Wood Hair –Related Quote of the Day award

Bradley (To The Copeland) – “Does your hair look like sideshow’s”
Woody – “It’s a bit short for that”
Bradley – “No, when it grows?”

Brad “Vidal Sassoon” Wood in the pub.

A mixture of quiz titans assembled at the Nag’s Head for Quizmaster Bains’ trivia challenge. Turnout was excellent, with a good mix of players and non players filling up the entire bar area of the pub.

There were 8 rounds in total plus a cricket-themed missing words round. Teams pitted their wits on subjects including Science and Nature, Movie Sequels and Famous Battles. Questions were of a decent standard but this being Mike, he had to throw in the gimme question. During the Sporting Nicknames Round he asked:

“Which cyclist was known as the Cannibal? I think he is Belgian and his name might be Eddy Mercx or something like that”

Still, it was a close contest. Last year’s winner the Dale (despite his knowledge of the Napoleonic Wars and Darts players turned driving instructors in Leicester) was defeated by the Sharpe/Strachan merger by a margin of 4 points.
Still, with the quiz over, we could get on to the raffle. There were a wide range of prizes available including chocolate, alcohol and a domestic appliance. By this time, an old drunk has arrived to prop up the bar and was enthusiastically getting involved in proceedings. I just hope he got home OK.

All in all, a successful night. Everyone had a good time and the club raised a decent amount of cash. Thanks to Mike and Chris for organising the event.

Askham Bryan 2s 62 lost to South Cave 63/0 by 10 wickets

Guest skipper Ian “Albert” Hall went out to the middle. We lost the toss and were put into bat. The skipper led from the front and opened up with Doug. Batting on what could be described as an unpredictable surface we made a good start, Ian hitting the first boundary down to mid-wicket. Albert then went, edging behind off a ball which rose sharply.

Scooby entered the fray, he was soon bowled for 0 and we were in trouble. Abhijit replaced him and started to nurdle. He soon went, another edge behind. Bradley went in and made the best of the difficult track, playing with a solid defence and settling the innings down. Doug was C&B for 13 and Sharpey then holed out for 1.

There was then a short rain break. Geoff and Brad resumed in the middle. Bradley then went, being bowled by a ball which kept very low and skidded onto the stumps. Praveen went in and played positively, attacking from ball 1 whilst Geoff kept the other end intact. Praveen was soon caught and then Bala went LBW. Things were looking bad, Geoff was still there and keeping the attack at bay but we knew this would be a low score.

Jayant was bowled and Geoff followed soon after, leaving Terry “Tel” Kiernan not out on 0. A low score, but we were buoyant, we were all up for giving this one a shot.

Tea

Tea was a solid range of the usual staples. Backed up with a lovely home-made tart from the oppo. We sat in the pavilion watching City Vs Stoke but then turned our attention to the wet paint on the wall which was infinitely more interesting. (Look what you missed Bains!)

Bowling

Skipper Albert gave one of his famous inspirational speeches. We were all up for this. Praveen and Scooby started off. Bowling was good but the oppo knew they could pick their shots. They were soon towards the total despite no one really doing anything wrong. Fielding was sharp including a direct hit from Scooby which would have gone upstairs.

Abhijit took over and bowed well, the game way beyond us now as the oppo just knocked the ball around. Jayant (in his final game this season) entered the fray with scores level but the loss was now reality. Terry had a good over as well, taking over from Scooby at the “Strange place for a bus stop” end.

On the plus side, it was a long drive home and we had finished in time to get back for the Eurovision. Germany were robbed. So to make it up to them I have unofficially decided to make Lena, their entrant, our club spokeswoman. They do it in the IPL, why not in Vale of York League 5?

Ach Mein Gott. Wunderbar!

Awards

Banter of the day award: “If you went on mastermind would your specialist subject be cricket bat maintenance?” – Tel Kiernan to Scooby after discussing his encyclopaedic knowledge of all things willow and linseed.

Someone’s been sleeping through Biology again award: “See that fielder down there, is that a man or a woman?” Bradley Wood’s keen observation from the pavilion during our innings.

Askham Bryan 2s 143 beat Thorpe Willoughby 86 by 57 runs

Steve “Daddy” Mason headed out to the middle and lost the toss. Askham were having a bat. Doug and Prateek opened up. Prateek started well, hitting the first boundary of the innings and then was unlucky to pick out the only fielder on the leg-side boundary. Paul “Snacks” Thornton came out to the middle. Doug fell soon after and The Copeland came to the crease. Chris then was caught behind for 4 and the top order was wobbled. Brad headed out to join his partner in crime.

The Ambulance

One of the bowlers fell awkwardly during his delivery stride. It was clear that this was not a routine knock. The game stopped for a while as we called for an ambulance, with all players chipping in to help out in the interim. When the paramedics arrived our fears were confirmed, this was a serious injury. We wish the player concerned a speedy recovery.

The game resumed. Scooby was into his stride, finding the boundary and hitting plenty of runs round around the ground. Brad was solid, hitting a couple of attractive 4s down to fine leg and building a good partnership which took us towards 20 overs.

Brad was then bowled and Sharpey headed out. Uncharacteristically, Sharpey decided to stick about for a bit, nurdling the odd runs here and there whilst Scooby carried on from the other end. Sharpey was eventually C&B and Praveen went in. Scooby then went for 44, being caught at mid off. Sam then followed for 0 and Daddy Mason went for 1. We were fairly confident that we could defend the score on the board, but the innings was not over yet.

Bala strode out to the crease. What followed was a flurry of boundaries which made Chris Gayle look like a more conservative version of Geoff Boycott. This included one massive 6 into the trees at the shed end which was still climbing as it cleared the fence. In true IPL fashion:

IT’S MASSIVE
CITI BANK MOMENT OF SUCCESS*

(*NB – Askham Bryan Cricket Club in no way endorses Citi Bank. This is merely for dramatic effect as Nag’s Head moment of success doesn’t quite have the same ring to it)

Praveen then went for 9, bringing Geoff in as last man. Bala continued to hit out and was eventually caught for a fine 39. Much needed runs that gave us a very defendable total.

Tea

The pub had again provided an excellent array of sandwiches, pasties, cakes and fresh fruit. The tea went down well with both sides.

Bowling

Praveen opened up. He was straight at the batsmen with some teasing line and length. A good first over was capped off with

The Stumping

Last ball of the over, play and miss down the off side. Bala, (standing back from the stumps) noticed that the batsman had overbalanced and strayed outside his crease. With lightning-fast reactions, he rolled the ball into the stumps. The appeal went up and the batsman was on his way back. A great start!

Scooby and Praveen continued to bowl tight line and length. The No 3 went for a big hit but chipped it straight into the bucket-hands of daddy Mason at mid off.

Prateek and Copeland were the first bowling change. Prateek made an immediate impact, getting a wicket in his first over as one was edged behind to Bala. Prateek then came in a few overs later with a double wicket maiden. First one was well caught by Brad at mid off. Prateek then finished off in style by cleaning up the next man for 0. Copeland got in on the action as well, clean bowling the remaining opener for a respectable 31. We were on top, everything was going our way until……

The Drop

Another one chipped up in the air, Mason was underneath it, surely a certain dismissal. Time all stopped as the ball fell out of his hands and hit the floor, we couldn’t believe it, Mason had dropped one. All that was needed was a rendition of the classic song:

“There’s a hole in my bucket-hands dear Liza dear Liza. There’s a hole in my bucket-hands dear Liza a hole!”
“Then Fix it dear Scooby dear Scooby dear Scooby. You can fix any bat but can you fix my hands?”*

(*The above may be fiction)

Anyway, we put the episode behind us. Copeland got in again with an LBW. Just 2 wickets were needed. Praveen came back on at the “Shed” end and was straight back in action. He cleaned up one of the remaining 2 and then the last wicket was plucked by Strickers. A good victory for your heroes. The bowlers were backed-up by some “electric” fielding. Special mention goes to Geoff and his Jonty Rhodes style diving stop, pick-up and throw all the same motion. It was good to watch!

Awards

Diplomat of the day award: “Your hair is well thin on top” Bradley “tell it like it is” Wood to Mason in the pub.

Editor’s note: This is a guest Report by T.H.E Oneandonly – Ain’t nobody I’d rather be

Another drizzly day welcomed the Askham Dynamite to the home fixture away at Hirst. Work that one out if you can.

Our inspirational skipper did the first amazing feat of the day and won the toss. Having never won a toss before it took a good 5 minutes of procrastinating before finally making the decision to invite Hirst in to bat.

This brought back the Wood/McCullough opening partnership that had ripped Westow to pieces the week before – could history repeat itself?

Woody steamed in like an iron ready to devour a pile of ironing. Great first over with no score made. On came Jim. With venom in his eyes he ran in with bite on the ball and delivered a wide. Not downbeat at missing his prey first up he tore in again – wide. Where was the radar? Where was Jim “Beefy” McCullough? Five wides in over one and 15 runs had been amassed, Dale and The Grewer were taking bets on how many pints he had the night before.

Our Gladiator returned at the other end and was rewarded with an early wicket. The Hirst opener had spooned one to Gully/Point where Adrian and the Slayer were waiting. They were still waiting as the ball looped and began to drop. Looking lovingly into one another’s eyes their spell was broken as Woody bellowed catch it. Thankfully Dave awoke from Adrians spell and held on to a good catch in the end.

A second wicket fell soon after for Woody and all Askham began thinking this could be another great day in the field. Not to be as the next partnership was around 80 as the heads fell following a number of dropped catches, misfields and overthrows.

Two incidences sum up this period. Simon had a twenty yard throw to Dale to remove one of the batsmen who was discussing with his fellow colleague who should be out at the other end, only to see the ball disappear over Rob’s head for overthrows. Steve Backley would have been impressed by the trajectory.

Then we have the highlight of the game. Woodster was required to run 30 yards round the boundary to stop a 4. The new streamline Wood running like Usain Bolt in treacle made it there to meet the ball. He timed his slide in the wet to perfection – only to jar his knee in the wet turf. It catapulted him up in the air, doing the fosbury flop for good measure and then landed head first with a bump. The ball trickled by for 4. Who cared. All 22 players erupted in laughter, as did the scorers, the tea lady, the guy looking out of the houses at the back, the cows in the field and the cute little puppy.

Vik came on to bring some sanity back to the team and was justly rewarded with 2 wickets breaking up the partnership. Parag was bowling with fire in his belly, but with no reward. Eventually Adrian was brought on at the houses end. The guy in the window took cover. The King of Spain danced in and removed the remaining danger man. This was quickly followed by a beauty of a ball that was hit straight back to him and duly caught. The onlooking Albert Hall tried covering up his wet patch. Love was once again in the air.

The Grewer, so confident in his team, proclaimed that the oppo would not get by 160. How wrong could he be. Stick to slipping and hitting the odd 6 – his fortune telling is as good as Paul the dead eel.

Vik took a blow for the team and went to hospital. Always on the ball Phil eventually noticed that he had no bowler and brought Prag back on. The runs kept coming. Wood returned and notched another on his bedpost.

Finally Phil, bereft of ideas and bowlers, tossed the ball to The Grewer with 2 overs left. The big man ran in painfully slow and delivered 6 even more painfully slow balls. But what wisdom. What guile. The oppo couldn’t hit them. Where had he been all innings the guy in the window was thinking. The innings closed and Askham were going to have to knock off 213.

Tea
What a tea. The weather was wet, the fielding performance drab but the tea was out of this world. Warm pizza, an array of fresh sandwiches, including a lovely cheese and pickle (cheese is far better with something – like strawberries with cream, Rob with Veronica and Queen with Freddie Mercury) and the sumptuous chocolate coconut cake. Best tea so far by a mile.

The chase
Began ok. Parag streaking away as ever. Phil scratching around – he must have a problem with his box. Phil departed as did Adrian, Prateek and Woody. A hero was needed. In strode The Grewer. Did he have his Superman pants on? Parag was playing well and surpassed 50 with ease. The Grewer was going along steadily. A partnership was building and everyone could sense it. If these 2 hung around the game was Askhams. Like 2 gladiators fighting back to back in the Colosseum they took the attack to the oppo hitting more boundaries. Then Parag was cut down, one sweep to many. The Grewer needed another Gladiator and who better than The Slayer. Dave strode in like Noddy Holder performing on stage. The Grewer knew he had his Gladiator. The Grewer again slashed into the bowlers hitting 3 sixes in 4 balls and once again reached 50. Kick Ass was back and the gallery was baying for more. The match was there to be won. Our hero was ready to finish off the bad guys.

When does Superman ever die? Well on this day he fell. Bowled driving a full ball. Needing 60 to win The Slayer was joined by Simon who quickly departed. As did Jim who only troubled the scorers once – with a six. Welcome to the sixes club. Dale joined the Slayer and we got within 40 before the curtain closed. A good batting performance again but the match was lost in the field. We may have lost this battle but the War is yet to be won.

Askham Bryan (165/10 lost to Ovington 198/5 by 33 runs)

It was the first day of the new season. The sun was in the sky and the team assembled at the Knavesmire. “Guest” captain Woody went out for the toss, we were bowling first.

A quick game of “winners and losers” warmed everyone up before Sideshow and Woody opened the bowling. Both started well, finding some good rhythm. There was some evidence that Sideshow had been on the ale, but not enough to suggest a full blown night out. He soon shook it off and was bowling well.

Before long, the first wicket fell, Woody bowling the number 2 batsman. First bowling change saw Zee and Adrian turn their arms. Adrian’s testing leg-breaks were soon rewarded and he took a marvellous catch of his own bowling. Zee bowled very economically and despite not picking up a wicket only went for 12 runs off his 7 overs.

Ovington were starting to build a steady partnership and another change of bowling was called for. Parag displayed his usual pace and was unlucky not to pick up a wicket. It was now time for Woody’s return. He made an immediate impact, removing the number 4 batsman and then getting rid of the opener who had made a good score of 75. Dave “Slayer” Sladen was given prefect duty at the other end to keep things in order. He managed to pick up a wicket towards the end of the innings and Ovington finished 40 overs on 198/5. A good score, but this was a good wicket, could the Askham boys bat this one though?

The Tea
There was a good range of the usual staples including sandwiches, sausage rolls, crisps and cakes. There was a good addition of some pasta salad which was nice. The tea was enjoyed in the evening sunshine on the Knavesmire.

The Batting
T.H.E Grewer and Parag were off to the middle. For Parag, it was business as usual, attacking from ball one and hitting some lovely boundaries. Parag then went for 18 after an LBW decision which earned Sharpey a seminar at the “Copeland School of Umpiring” delivered by Rob Dale. They don’t teach you that in Agricultural History 101. Adrian joined Grewer at the crease and was soon into his stride, playing attractive shots all round the wicket. Adrian and Grewer were on their way to a solid partnership. Adrian, however, then heard the school bell and was caught for a respectable 23.

Woody strode out to the crease. T.H.E Grewer was still there and batting well. The pressure was on as the oppo were bowling well and the run-rate was creeping up. Woody soon fell for 7 and was replaced by Zee. A typical Askham collapse then ensued. T.H.E Grewer edged behind for a brilliant 48. Vikas was then trapped LBW for 6 and Sharpey went next ball. Mike Flinders came to the crease and in a bizarre incident of Hara-Kiri decided to uproot his own stumps with so much force the bails ended up on the other side of the square. Either that or there was a giant bumblebee on the stumps he was aiming for.

Zeeshan was in no mood to mess about though. He kept his head through the collapse and put on an excellent display of batting, dispatching the bowlers to all corners of the ground. Dave “Slayer” Sladen was caught for 1 and Sideshow went in, the game wasn’t quite out of sight yet, could these 2 big hitters bring us home?
Unfortunately it wasn’t our day. Zeeshan was caught for a very good 46 and certainly rattled the oppo after the collapse. The Dale entered the fray but was bowled for 1. This left Sideshow not out on 5.

AWARDS

Banter of the day award – “That’s as tidy as my missus” T.H.E Grewer whenever anything good happens.

Silly quote of the day award – “You’re not getting another single out of me”. Sharpey, in a poor attempt to rile the batsmen who just got 2 consecutive tip and run singles out of him at short mid-wicket. Next ball, they do exactly the same thing again.

A drizzly day welcomed the mighty Askham dynamite to Westow. The day was to be full of surprises. The first surprise arrived at 1.15 – Peter Wood. Arriving on time doesn’t come naturally to Woody – but being early was a blessing from the Gods. He had even remembered the scorebook and for the first time this season the 1st XI had managed to be fully equipped and raring to go – was it a sign of things to come?
Our new skipper was keen to make his mark and strode out to win the toss, but in typical Askham tradition – he lost. Downbeat he returned to the waiting machine of his troops and let them know that we had been sent over the top and in to bat.

Parag and Phil took to the middle. Parag fresh from a marvellous knock the week before and Phil still downbeat. First ball – would Parag dispatch it for 4 as is his usual way? Dropped at mid wicket the onlooking admirers sighed in relief, but before our breath was caught – so was Parag.

In strode a confident Adrian willing to teach us all how to bat. And he did. A series of textbook strokes took him to 38. Meantime Phil had departed having been bowled. Our inspirational skipper left the field discussing a series of expletives with the oppo – words I didn’t even know existed were brought to the fore.

A change in the attack arrived. Dave Coverdale bowled a beautiful half track hit-me-ball and Adrian couldn’t resist. Like a child in a school tuck shop he wanted it all. Only to pat it straight to cover. The bell had ended his lesson. The Grewer admired the quality of the dismissal in envy.

This left Dan to welcome the new man in – Woody. Dan had been quietly going about his business, showing the onlooking his impressive skills. Unfortunately all good things come to an end and Dan was removed. The team were moving on nicely in terms of runs but wickets were falling at a worrying rate. A hero was needed.
The score slowly moved on from 110 for 4 as Woody scratched around at the crease like a man who hasn’t cleansed himself in weeks. Eventually he succumbed tapping one back to the bowler for a simple catch. Still an important 30 was made. Where was our hero?

Dave Slayer Sladen came to the middle. The Grewer had been the submissive partner to Wood, licking his boots and cleaning his bat – but once his mistress was out the mouse came out to play. He must have been wearing his Superman pants as a series of balls disappeared to the boundry for 4. But then Kick Ass took over and 6 followed 6. 50 runs were surpassed and still the sixes kept coming. Sideshow sat on the side like a blow up doll – mouth wide open in disbelief.
The Grewer was purring, looking as fit as Halle Berry in Catwoman. But then madness, The Slayer tried to run The Grewer out. Fortunately he had his wits about him and Dave left the field like a naughty pupil sent to the headmaster. Zee arrived to watch in awe as The Grewer continued his one man onslaught. More sixes arrived as did the century, and a girly scream bellowed throughout North Yorkshire. Imperious is an understatement.

A wonderful inswinging Yorker brought an end to our hero’s knock on 107, but the damage was done. 250 was on the scoreboard and Vik and Zee carried that through to 275 for 7. A mountain had been built.

Tea
The players were welcomed to an array of sandwiches, pizzas and cakes. The crème de la crème being a sumptuous coffee cake. Rob and Veronica , the newly weds, surprised the mighty Askham by swapping numbers with the Tea lady. Nothing like having your cake and eating it!

Round 2
The machine took to the field. Woody and Sideshow were the Chosen. We know we can rely on Woody but which Jim would turn up? Well we soon found out. He tore into Westow, moving the ball both ways in the air and off the seam. He cannot have had a drink all year!
Wickets constantly fell until Sideshow showed his Mainshow potential and wrapped things up as the oppo were skittled out for 34. Woody chipped in with a few wickets.
A winning margin of 241 may be an Askham record. Our inspirational skipper had kicked off in amazing fashion and the cricket was great too. It really was an explosive Askham performance led by our hero – The Grewer.