Askham Bryan Cricket Club

Askham Bryan 2s 135 lost to Malton & Old Malton 2s 139 by 4 runs

Oh yes, it’s that time of week again, where Mike Bains heads out to the middle to flip a round object and successfully predict the side facing the sun. Yet again, we lost the toss and were asked to bowl.

At this point we only had 7 players due various people (cough cough IPL cough cough) being late. Sharpey donned the wicket keeping gloves and the field spread out as best as they could. Scooby took the first over and started off well. The question then arose, with our other opening bowler enroute, who would take the other end?

Cometh the over, cometh the Bains. The skipper threw himself into the fray, volunteering himself to turn his arm. Mike provided some good line and length until the missing players finally arrived (none of whom were changed) and scurried off to the pavilion to change their attire to something more suitable.

Scooby struck first with a super full length ball that swung away and took off-stump. Praveen and Nikhil took over in the first bowling change. Nikhil was bowling mystery balls. It was as if he had a little roulette wheel in his back pocket and spun it before each delivery, the number thus relating to a ball in his arsenal. He changed from off-breaks to medium pace to gangly round-the-wicket-running-between-the-umpire slow bowling. Changes were ball-by-ball and kept us all alert. Praveen delivered his usual tight line and length.

Malton however were batting steadily and keeping the scoreboard ticking over. Nikhil was next to strike, breaking the partnership by bowling the number 2. Could we strike again soon? It would take something special, and that is what we got.

Nikhil charges in, the batsman chips it up towards short mid-wicket. The skipper is there, he steadies himself, plucks the ball from the air and dives forward into the ground all the same motion. Poetry in motion indeed.

Askham then got into it and a few more wickets went down. Abhijit came on and struck soon, getting a C&B before bowling the dangerous number 3 batsman who had been in for a while. Nikhil also got himself another wicket, a decent catch taken by new recruit Prasad at short third-man. However, controversy then struck. They seem to play some strange rules in Malton whereby if you edge behind or get run out you get a second chance, maybe they play one hand one bounce as well. Either that or the Copeland school of umpiring has been franchised out to this part of North Yorkshire.
Some sharp work in the field led to a run-out late on and Malton finished on 139.

Tea

Tea was pretty good. The sandwiches were generous and satisfying. There was also an array of homemade fairy cakes which were very good.

Askham Innings

And here we go! Scooby and Prasad head out to the middle. Scooby is immediately going after the attack, hitting a glorious 6 in the first over. Prasad went shortly however, chipping up to mid-off. Bains soon went after edging behind and Scooby followed after being caught in the gully. Brad was then bowed and we were in trouble.

Abhijit and Nikhil steadied the ship. Abhijit looked comfortable and Nikhil was hitting powerfully. They took us up towards the halfway mark and took us up to 3 figures. There were plenty of overs left, surely we could knock these runs off?
Sadly, what soon followed was an epic collapse which would get top billing in a compendium of the 100 greatest Askham Bryan CC collapses. Nikhil and Praveen were bowled. Daddy Mason and Tom were C&B in consecutive balls and Bala was bowled. Sharpey went in at number 11 with 30 needed.

Abhijit didn’t lose his head whilst all others were losing theirs. He was hitting well and brought up his 50. With just 5 runs needed for victory Sharpey fell to the young leg-spinner. Abhijit finished not out on a well crafted 57.

Editor’s note: This is a guest report from the mysterious fake Grewer

The Grewer that holds the team together

By T.H.E. Grewer

Although the skies were over cast, the team was strengthened by the absence of Sideshow and former talisman Copeland. The team huddled round waiting for Phil; captivated, as I regaled them with stories of my new cricket bat and how many bowlers were to be smite by its owner’s great skill and power. It fell on my broad shoulders to run the catching drills. The team were subjected to one of the most intense and accurate catching practices in Askham history. As many sweetly struck balls were shelled by the team, I could only imagine the fantastic results of been able to participate in my own catching drill……the only true test for The Grewer would be set by The Grewer himself. I became lost in my own thoughts, the cheers after each catch, followed by my perfect under arm throw, which The Grewer would crisply return, only to be gathered in the safe, strong Grewer grip. I was brought back to reality with the news Phil had lost the toss and we were asked to have a bowl.

The Fulfordgate innings

We started as we always do with Woody from the car park end. Woody’s opening seven overs followed the same old pattern. Woody bounces in, bowls a foot too short and outside off stump. They will then pitch and move further away – looks good but never in danger of getting a wicket. In fact, if it wasn’t for one Fulfordgate batsman playing on and another chasing a wide one, he would not have taken any wickets at all. Zee took the new ball at the other end and bowled far straighter and was rewarded with two good wickets for his efforts. However, everybody knew he was only keeping the end warm for The Grewer. Parag replaced Woody and bowled nine overs of pace. It was the best we have seen Parag bowl and he was unlucky not to take more wickets. Phil then made the best decision of the day by unleashing The Grewer.

The Grewer set himself an attacking field and set about his business. The whole team was lifted with my introduction and I could feel the batman’s apprehension caused by my intimidation. What followed was eight overs of beautiful swing bowling, with variations in length, pace and seam position. The Grewer was unplayable. The only scoring shots came though edges to the cover, midwicket and straight boundaries. The Grewer was denied wickets as a result of some very friendly Fulfordgate umpiring. The Grewer was replaced by the team’s second most attractive player in Adrian. By now the Fulfordgate batsmen were mentally exhausted after their mêlée with The Grewer and Adrian picked up three soft wickets. I know the team praised Adrian for his consistent line and length, his ability to turn the ball both ways and the way he bowled a man round his legs, but I know indirectly they were saying “thank you Mark for annihilating the opposition’s spirits”. Adrian and Woody finished off the flaccid tail, as Fulfordgate were dismissed for 115.

Tea

Teas were expertly collected and displayed by The Grewer. As I delicately stacked my plate with cheese and pickle sandwiches, sausage rolls and fruit I overheard some of the team talking about the three peaks challenge they had completed during the week…
Quote of the Week – The Grewer in his head to Mark Grewer
The Grewer: I have a three peaks challenge many have tried but none have conquered…”The Grewer three peaks” Peak of attractiveness, Peak of physical fitness and Peak of sporting performance.
Mark Grewer: Good one Grewer

Askham’s innings

Phil started well by batting me ahead of Woody. Parag took the first ball and was clearly motivated by his personal battle with The Grewer. However, no matter how hard Parag tried, he was unable to match my superior striking and as a result, is still a distant second in the sixes league. Parag received applauses from all corners of the ground when he passed his 50 within 15 overs. As Parag rose his bat I saw that he mouthed the words; “thank you Mark for making me a better player.” I returned a reassuring nod and effortlessly slipped back to my role of entertaining the boys with stories of ‘Grewer victories’ passed. Fulfordgate started to ring the changes and turned to pace, to combat aggressive Askham batting. Phil fell to the new bowler, who nipped one back to clip off stump.

Adrian replaced the captain and looked to be positive, before dragging a ball on to his own stumps starting the collapse. Parag fell next and Fulfordgate’s tails were up…..was it because the Grewer would soon be at the crease? Dan must have been as keen as anyone to see The Grewer in full flow as he deflected a legside ball off the majority of his lower extremities and on to the stumps. Some say he was unlucky but I think he was “taking one for The Grewer”. As I strode out, new weapon in hand, my mind regressed to performances passed – sixes to all corners, match winning innings, the time I help Parag to a 50 inside 15 overs, I was ready for battle. I spent much of my early innings watching Dave. Dave reminds me of me – young, attractive, fit and a perfect full head of hair. Indeed, as I watched his powerful arms move bat towards ball, I could only feel his want to impress me. My mind drifted, it must be hard for the newer members of the team not to be intimidated by ‘The Grewer Package’ – looks, wit, and charisma. My focus returned to see Dave bowled playing a non Greweresque sweep. I made a mental note to tell Dave the same story as I told the family over Sunday lunch. The only way to hit the ball behind square is ‘The Grewer Glance’…a master class would be a great way to impart my knowledge and ‘break the mystique’ of the Grewer. I was joined at the crease by Woody and I comfortably saw the team home to victory…thank you Grewer for your steady head.

On paper this looked like a comfortable victory with an outstanding performance from Parag with bat and ball, wickets for Adrian, Zee and Pete. However the people in attendance will always remember this game as a good all round performance inspired by The Grewer

Askham Bryan 2s 111 lost to Pocklington 142 by 31 runs

The royal mint seems to have it in for us this season. Bains lost another toss and Pock chose to have a bat. Scooby and Damien started off. The first wicket soon went, taken behind by stand-in wicketkeeper Sharpey.

Damian, feeling no loyalty to his former side, struck with 2 quick wickets. Both excellent yorkers that were very unplayable. Scooby also got in with a wicket, a superb catch taken by Tel in the gully. Pock started to rebuild and a period of heavy hitting put them back on the board. One batsman in particular was going after everything and regularly finding the fence. This was however, until….

Catch of the day
Damian charges in, the ball is hit very hard and very high. Has it got the legs to clear the rope? As it hits the top of its arc Brad positions himself underneath it at the mid off boundary, it’s a difficult one, the sun is out and the ball is falling rapidly. Brad made no mistakes, taking a comfortable catch that put us right back in the game.

New recruit Nikhil replaced the Scoobmeister at the car park end. He started off bowling off-spinners before changing to thunderous fast/medium. There was one disputed run-out at the bowlers end which was shortly followed by another. Thankfully, the second one was given.

Nikhil continued to bowl well and picked up his first wicket for the club, another edge behind to Sharpey. Abhijit took over from Damian at the shed end. Nikhil however, was determined to finish it off claiming the last 2 wickets for himself with a C&B before Damian’s incessant sledging of the last man forced him to edge to the gully for a golden quacker. Game On!

Tea

There isn’t really much I can say. Pub did teas, we all liked them. See previous reports for more detail.

Askham Innings

Scooby and Daddy Mason headed out to the middle. Pock were bowling well from the off and we were soon rocked by the loss of Steve who was bowled for 1 and Scooby who edged behind for 6. Bains and Praveen were the next men in. The 2 were solid in the face of some good bowling before Bains was bowled for 4. Brad came in and was bowled as well. A typical Askham Collapse was on the cards here.

Abhijit came in to join his compatriot Praveen. The 2 were soon into their stride, both hitting some lovely shots around the ground. Praveen in particular played the “Mike Bains paddle to third man” to perfection. The 2 were soon building a good partnership.

Abhijit was then given out caught behind. Sharpey went next ball and Terry followed soon after for 7. The target was still within reach though, could the last men see this through?

Nikhil went to join Praveen. Nik immediately showed his potential with the bat, hitting powerfully and giving us much needed boundaries. His potential with running between the wickets however was not as good with several miscalls and close run out attempts that were certainly exciting to watch, but for the wrong reasons.

Praveen finally went for an excellent 40. Being caught. Tom “Brad’s Mate” Stubbs went in to join Nikhil and was bowled for 3. This brought Damian in as last man with 30 runs needed. Could he see off his old team.
Sadly not, another mishap between the wickets and Nikhil ended up halfway down the track whilst the bails were knocked off at the bowlers end.

Awards

Brad Wood Quote of the Millennium

This was actually from the 8 a side on the Monday. However it was so funny it should be included here and in every compendium of quotes published from now until doomsday.

Brad (To Sideshow) “What are you studying at University?”

Sideshow “Film Studies”

Brad (Perplexed) “What? You get a qualification? For watching films?”

Genius

0838 Hours. Steve Mason calls Albert on his mobile.

S: “(chirpily) Morning Albert”
A: “(drowsily) Morning Steve”
S: “Have I just woken you up?”
A: “No, I woke up about 2 minutes ago” [This was actually the truth]
S: “Ah right. Have you looked out the window?”
A: “No…”
S: “Shall I leave you a bit longer so you can get up?”
A: “No…I just thought you were going to tell me! I hadn’t made it as far as the window yet…Is it bright sunshine?”
S: “I’m still in Malton, but Jon Latham tells me it’s raining in York”
A: “(gets to the window) Oh. Yeah. Well, it’s kind of drizzling. And the path is wet. So yeah, it’s probably been raining.”

And so began a rather wet day. The drizzling became “that light rain that soaks you through”. Which then became just plain rain. It then turned into heavy rain.

Still, unperturbed and (mostly) keen to play, we arrived at the College as the rain continued to pour. Pocklington called early – they weren’t coming. It was set in – it had rained all morning, and the forecast was bad, so they decided not to bother. Fair enough.

The pitch inspection gave a little hope. The wicket was in reasonable condition and the water was draining well. If only it would clear up, and maybe bring some sunshine…

…This, of course, didn’t happen, and it rained pretty much constantly until 2pm. In the meantime, Mandy and Damian entertained the troops with Barbeque food (wisely served under a marquee), with the barbeque seeming to be the only source of heat in the solar system that morning.

Steve decided to pick up the tea from the pub (aided by yours truly). The deluge continued, and I continued to say “oh look, there’s a bit of blue sky over there Steve”…followed by “actually, no, I was only kidding. It’s miserable everywhere”. Meanwhile Steve reassured me that “it’s clear in Leeds”. Surely the Mason would come to his senses and call off the soggy affair?

We returned with the sandwiches. Briefly over lunch the rain stopped for about 1 minute. It then returned even heavier, hoping to send home the motley crew. Yet they were resilient – the SPL team had traveled from Sheffield, the Copmanthorpe team across the A64. They weren’t going to budge, and wanted a game. Therefore just after lunch, in fairly heavy rain, the teams headed out to play.

And so began the competition. Several matches followed, with sawdust and slippage being common features of the first game. The SPL took on Copmanthorpe in the first encounter and, with a lack of spikes, were at a slight frictive disadvantage. Cop saw their advantage home.

Askham then took on Cop and started off brightly, with skipper Jim in particularly good form. Latham and Sharpie batted very steadily and put on a good total to chase. Cop seemed to be behind the run-rate all the time, but then had a couple of big overs and saw their way into the final.

The final match of the league was the decider for the final – Askham vs. SPL. SPL batted first and set a total of 46 for Askham to win, which seemed achievable for the home side. However, Askham batted steadily and began to lose wickets. With three balls remaining a wicket fell, leaving Jon Latham to join Damian at the crease, with 3 needed to win. Jon tapped the penultimate ball for a quick single, leaving Damian needing to hit 2 to win. He hit the final ball for 4, to see the ABs into the final.

The final was also a close encounter. The weather had finally dried up by this point and there was even the very occasional appearance of sun, which meant Umpire Hall removed his raincoat for 2-3 minutes during the match. Sharpie and Latham opened again and batted positively, with Pete hitting some short balls to the boundary, particularly noteworthy being his pull shot for 6. He fell shortly afterwards and the wickets and runs continued to come, with Brad and Tom finishing off the final over to set a target of over 50.

Cop started slowly, struggling against some tight Askham bowling. Steve Littlewood bowled a great first over, with Sideshow Jim following up by nearly taking a hat-trick in his next over. Cop were behind the rate but still had some wickets in hand. They took some risks in the penultimate over which came off and saw them needing only 5 to win with 6 balls remaining. Steve Mason bowled well, but couldn’t keep the visitors from knocking the winning runs.

Therefore Copmanthorpe were declared champions, and rightly so following a good performance throughout the day. Following the trophy presentation, the SPL and Askham had a final 10 over play off match in the best sunshine of the day. Aided by a mystery attacking player opening the batting with the equally positive Steve Mason (28 not out) Askham set a tough total of over 90, which the SPL unfortunately couldn’t muster.

I can’t really do justice to all the cricket played, so please feel free to add your highlights in the comments. However, the efforts of the younger players were particularly impressive – Steve L for some fantastic bowling and batting, Brad Wood for great all round performances (particularly with his athletic fielding and catching) and finally to Tom, who kept wicket superbly and batted really positively.

THANK YOUS

1) Firstly, thanks to all the players (and players friends) for coming and putting up with appalling weather conditions. It was worth it in the end as some great cricket was played. Particular thanks go to Cop for sticking it out and being keen to play, and for the SPL for coming such a long way to take part, and doing so with such good humour.
2) Thanks to Mandy and Damian for putting on the barbeque and entertaining the troops. Legends.
3) Thanks to our umpires, including Mark “just completed a triathlon and needing an isotonic Carling” Grewer, but especially Paul “Scooby” Thornton, who umpired consistently in some pretty awful conditions.
4) Chris Copeland, for his behind-the-scenes organisation of the tournament
5) And by no means least, the might Steve Mason for organising things on the day, particularly his boundless optimism for playing (in spite of my curmudgeonly opposition).

Same time next year?

…

(only if the weather forecast is better)

Kelfield CC beat Askham Bryan CC 1st XI by 51 runs

This is a debut guest report by Dave ‘The ‘Leo’ Slayer’ Sladen.

Fresh from their giant killing cup exploits at Wheldrake the previous week, Askham’s finest arrived at a windy and cloudy Kelfield aiming to maintain the early season form which has seen them rise to the upper echelons of the division. On first impressions from the rear entrance the ground resembled not much more than a Paddy field. In truth what met us was a glorious looking pitch complete with pavilion-cum-balcony, fenced boundaries (though proved to be fairly redundant – more on this later) and Lord’s style banked boundary. Throw in some friendly, welcoming but competitive opposition, and the scene looked set for a fine afternoon’s cricket.

Late, but unavoidable withdrawals from the team meant Phil ‘The Tinkerman’ Allen was forced to dip into the deep ABCC squad at his disposal for replacements. Doug Strachan and J Mcullough Snr his able deputies. I do not know the outcome of the toss, but Askham were in the field first up in windy conditions and on what was to be an excellent batting track.

Kelfield Innings

A fresh and un-intoxicated Sideshow began well, extracting good pace and bounce from the new ball. Copeland, as senior pro, took responsibility for bowling into a strong wind. Time stood still as a 20 stride run-up battled against strong Aeolian forces (Geography teacher, apologies – had to get something in!). In a figment of my imagination, I saw Angus Fraser overtaking Herr Copeland.

As a keen follower of various sports (football and cricket being the variety), I have often philosophised about what home advantage really is and why does it actually matter. Well the Kelfied openers demonstrated what it is and why it does matter, as they sent any short or overpitched bowling packing to, or indeed over, the boundary. This cliché conjures up images of suitcases and other miscellaneous baggage. In which case, this particular suitcase was full to the brim of short bowling. Like when you need to clip those elastic cords together. Or when you have to sit on it to squeeze it all in. Shall I continue?

The game very quickly fell into a worrying pattern for Askham: Bowler bowls – short pitched – Batsman swats ball out of ground – players of both teams climb fences, trawl through shrubbery and foliage for lost ball – find lost ball – repeat cycle. At one point, to such an extent that local school children took up residence in the woods on ball retrieving duties to give Askham’s over rate a much needed boost. Kelfield put the Askham attack to the sword and an increasing run rate took on an exponential quality. This was home advantage being fully exploited. Kelfield were not trying to hammer the ball, but use a true bounce and new ball to steer it to the shorter corners of the ground. Crumbs of comfort were collected by Copeland as his swinging delivery was too good for the swinging bat of Batsman no2. Askham were on the board.

They may have been on the board, but little changed. Adrian Stipetic replaced Sideshow (already having accumulated a fine for a 15+ run over). Batsman no1. was in no mood for entertaining our leg spinner’s guile and flight and was but one run from imposing a double version of this cruel fine on Adrian. T.H.E.T.G Grewer replaced Copeland with some wily wobbly dobbers. Despite being heavily under the cosh and at risk of being out of the game before the drinks break, Askham’s fielding and team spirit remained undeterred. Very soon this would have game changing ramifications.

With less than 20 overs gone and the scoreboard reading 160-1, Chris Copeland, fielding at cover, inexplicably began his own Gymnastic performance for the crowd’s pleasure. Packed full of forward rolls, backward rolls, front tucks, teddy bear rolls, double backs and cartwheels, he writhed around the floor uncontrollably. Amidst all this supple showmanship, he took an average catch to remove Batsmen no1. for an excellent 91……..of the 7th ball of a 6 ball over! If you wish to view the celebration which followed watch Gazza’s Euro 96 goal celebration on YouTube, only replace Gazza for Copeland and remove the squirting water. Classy it wasn’t. Cathartic it was.

What followed was a true Phoenix from then Flames tale. Somebody, somewhere, someday will make a film about it. Like a scene from the beaches of Iwo Jima, Askham’s bruised and battered fielders began their renaissance against all the odds. Ably led by some fine bowling from a resurgent Grewer-Stipetic partnership, Askham turned the screw like a Boa Constrictor round the neck of the Kelfield innings. The fielding was sharp, the catching faultless (most notably from Simon Walton and Adrian Stipetic), and the umpiring helpful. From 161-2 at 18 overs, Kelfield fell to 224 all out in 36 overs. Grewer finished with 5-55 and Adrian 4-84.

Tea

My opinions on cricket teas must be placed in context. My fiancée does not let me eat sausages at home, so any cricket tea which includes sausage rolls immediately scores highly for me. Strengths of the Kelfield tea were undoubtedly the sausage rolls, the Battenberg and homemade chocolate cake. All food was well prepared. Weaknesses were the lack of variety in sandwich and cake choice. Conspicuous by its presence was the interference of an artificial element to the cheese sandwich – this week coming in the form of pickle. This taken into consideration, I award Kelfield a 6 out of 10 and in summary say good food, lacking in variety.

Askham Innings

Typically, the conditions had improved and were easier for bowling by the time Kelfield took to the field in defence of 224. Still, the pitch was still good and the boundary of short proportions (unsurprisingly), and although perhaps lighter on batting firepower than in previous weeks, Askham approached their pursuit confidently.
Allen and Strachan began well. Allen particularly so, looking to be putting a run of bad form behind him as he used his feet well to keep the runs and boundaries ticking over. Kelfield’s bowlers though were bowling good lines, getting some swing and not giving the pair much width and length to play with. This pressure culminated in Doug edging to first slip and Phil being run out for 28 soon after. Adrian got quickly into his usual stride – punishing the bad balls and working singles where possible. The bowling remained tight.

Adrian had been joined at the crease by Dave Sladen, whose first notable contribution was to flick the first ball from Kelfield’s first change bowler – a hot headed chap – off his hips long into the surrounding paddy fields. With score moving along, Askham needed a partnership from ‘des professeurs’. Adrian duly got out LBW to an excellent slower ball from Rhodes. The T.H.E.T.G Grewer joined Leo Slayer at the crease.

The bowling remained tight and though Askham fell behind the run rate, Sladen and Grewer were looking good and safe and picking up runs when they could. With the firepower of TG in the bank, and Kelfield’s fifth bowler yet to be called upon the pair waited with baited breath knowing that the fate of the game lay in his mystery presence. He arrived. He resembled Justin Beiber, bowled with his left arm, swung the ball prodigiously onto the pads. Sladen looked to get after him from his first ball and his first over went for 10.

This was it – Askham’s moment in the game had arrived. One tight, but tiring and temperamental bowler. The other a young lad struggling with his line. Two in form batsmen. One of them the hard hitting and uncompromising Grewer, ably supported by his partner in crime (remember Westow? A Sladen-Grewer partnership of 100 of which Grewer contributed 90% of the runs).

In the time that you could say ‘over-hyped, needlessly dramatic and drawn out cricket report writing’, Sladen was gone, caught behind for 45. Joined by Prateek, Grewer immediately looked to lead the charge – a huge six signalling his intent. I didn’t see it, but I heard it land on the roof of the pavilion. Around a few more lusty blows quick wickets fell. Prateek bowled. Grewer bowled for 35. Askham had given Kelfield plenty to think about, but it looked like the ‘moment’ had been and gone.

Hopes rested in Simon and Copeland. Kelfield’s bowling remained disciplined and their field placings sensible. SW and CC tried, but ones and twos were all they could find. A late flurry of wickets fell, none more crowd pleasing than Sideshow’s golden duck. Unfortunately, I did not see it, but I can well imagine how it would look in a Slideshow, Sideshow. Last ball drama surfaced as paintball extraordinaire Dale came to the crease on a hat-trick ball, but needing a 6 for another batting point. We had to settle for a sumptuous drive through the covers for 4, and Askham fell 51 runs shorts on 173-8.
A disappointing defeat then for Askham, which will dent a blow in their promotion hopes, but with 22 eyes firmly fixed down the barrel at approximately 3.00pm and 300+ on the cards at one point, salvaging some bonus points and only a 51 run defeat will provide confidence as we return to Fortress Askham next week.

Editor’s note – This is a guest report from The Copeland.

A glorious day dawned in York, greeting Askham’s plucky band of giantkillers as they pondered another potentially lucrative cup run. Could they follow up on last year’s heroics, when the higher division lambs to the slaughter were Bishopthorpe? Could they fulfil their promise as a potential banana skin in waiting for Wheldrake? And is there such as thing as a potential banana skin? Surely a thing either is, or is not, a banana skin?

All these questions remained tantalisingly unanswered as our heroes headed south, which as everybody knows, is the way to warmer climes.

Except in Wheldrake.

Grizzled veteran The Copeland was heard to remark that he had never – NEVER – experienced anything other than miserable weather playing here. Despite a forecast of unadulterated sunshine and 18°C for the whole of the Vale of York, this was a game for the full 3 layers. The Zeeshan was forced to don a fetching black striped “performance underlayer” as he was caught out by the unseasonal Baltic winds and grey clouds.

However, with the recent lack of rain it was of course a day to bat first, wasn’t it? Not so, said The Allen, who was elected 1st XI captain this year largely on the basis that all he wants to do is bowl first. Like all Askham captains. On election night the wizened sages of the ABCC committee stroked their white beards with their gnarled, arthritic fingers and said Yes, he’s the man for us…

Happily, we lost the toss and were invited to bat by The Wheldrake, another compulsive insertor. Steve Waugh was spinning in his grave. Metaphorically speaking. He’s not dead.

Askham Innings

The Mohite led his captain out to the middle, intending as ever to smite his first ball for four. Could he do it? YES! The first ball was a rusty thigh-high full toss, which was duly despatched straight back past the bowler.

Unfortunately Parag couldn’t keep it going, and 2 balls later he played round a straight yorker and was bowled, bringing The Stipetic to the crease. Adrian applied the same fluency to his batting that he generally uses in the language lab, whilst Phil’s batting ability looked at best “conversational”. A steady period of consolidation ensued, with Adrian pulling and guiding several fours through the legside. Unfortunately our captain perished for 6 with the score having progressed to a reasonably healthy 26, the slow and unpredictable pitch deceiving him into offering a return catch to the bowler via a leading edge.

This latest setback brought The Wheeler to the crease, but he also struggled on a pitch that was looking increasingly dodgy. Many balls were barely lifting at all after pitching, causing all our batsmen problems. The odd one was even gaining a bit of extra lift. Returning batsmen and umpires were reporting strange lumps in the pitch. Maybe ingrowing hairs, or even acne, were the cause? Or is that just my face?

Dan managed to keep our heroic pedagogue company for a while though, and even assisted with a remarkable all-run four down to third man. Modern fielding positions, eh…

Once The Wheeler played around another straight one from the opening bowler, the Ginger Colossus strode to the wicket. Replete this week with Samson-esque (or is that Samson-ite?) microphone hairstyle and grizzly stubble, the Askham hopes were high that this could be the partnership to put us back on top. The Wood began positively, lofting the opening bowler repeatedly down the ground. Sadly for the spectators, The Stipetic’s latest masterclass came to a thoroughly unexpected end as he offered a simple catch behind for 33.

The Grewer and the Phantom Grewer were joined in an Old School Askham partnership-gasm and suddenly all was right with the world. This holy union led to the highest Askham partnership of the match, bossed by the strong arms of Pete Wood. One square cut boundary was struck with such force and sped to the fence with such vitesse that the onlookers recalled Robin Smith in his prime.

The Grewer was eventually undone by a ball which kept low, unfortunately a frequent occurrence on the day. The Zeeshan entered the fray and played positively from the start; Wheldrake knew it was a big moment when he was caught by a superb one-handed effort in the gully for an unlucky 13, with the score now 96-6.

It was at this time that the clean-shaven, former-talismanic Copeland made his return to the 1st XI. Was The Wood right to say shaving is an elementary cricketing error? Could The Copeland continue his early season form? With scores of 30, 5 & 4 he was looking for 3 runs to continue that sequence. Certainly his smooth chin brought no luck to the team, and actually precipitated a rapid clatter of wickets. The Ginger Behemoth was first to go, extremely unlucky to fall to a superb catch – diving forward behind the wicket for 24. Then The Hallis came and went, first dropped in the gully and then comprehensively bowled for 1. Then The Copeland finally ended his own misery. Having been also dropped at square leg, he attempted to pull a very short ball which proceeded to actually bury its way underground before emerging to hit the bottom of middle stump. 98-9…

The McCullough and The Dale then gave Askham hope with an entertaining and enterprising last wicket partnership, adding 14 priceless runs with a mixture of bookish biffs from Dr Rob and slacker swipes from the Mainshow wannabe. He Loves Those. Sadly the fun was ended all too soon as the pitch fooled Jim one last time and he lobbed up a catch to cover.

TEA

Our boys were “greeted” by one of the most unappetising teas ever seen in the York Vale league. “Value” white bread was wrapped round egg mayonnaise, cheese, and tuna, with a few sausage rolls and slices of pizza on another plate. Dessert consisted of some unidentifiable small cakes and Viscounts. Neither the best nor the worst bowler in Division 2 was impressed. Your correspondent felt a whole lot better on Sunday once his body had thoroughly rejected the sorry offerings.

Topics of conversation at tea were: What was the worst tea ever served up to anyone, ever, in the York Vale League? How bad would a tea have to be for a team to refuse to pay for it? What is the most depressing place in the world? Any answers to the usual address, please.

It was also decided that we would award marks for all teas going forward in the weekly reports. Your correspondent has also retrospectively awarded marks for the 3 games he played so far this season: Away vs Cawood (16th April) 8.5/10; Home vs Stockton & Hopgrove (23rd April) 7.5/10; Home vs Thorpe Willoughby (7th May) 7/10.

Tea mark this week: 2/10. We’ve had worse.

Wheldrake Innings

Our boys knew they were still in this game if the pitch continued to deteriorate and they could take early wickets, and they started in good spirits with The Ginger Avenger and The Zeeshan operating in bloodthirsty tandem. Could Woody lay down a first ball marker as Parag had done in the 1st innings?

His first ball was back of a length and hostile. The Wheldrake opener fenced at it, guiding it towards The Wheeler in the gully… who spilled a fairly regulation chance at head-height. Had he dropped the HPH Cup?

After a cautious start by the Wheldrake openers, Zeeshan befuddled his victim into missing a straight one and we were up and running, 9-1. The Ginger Destroyer was having no luck at the other end, despite terrifying all batsmen with his facial hair and hawkish demeanour. After another maiden from The Wood, Zeeshan returned, and was straight on the money, the batsman fencing him away through the gully region, unfortunately this time at ankle height and nowhere near the butter-fingered Wheeler.

But wait! Dan Wheeler chose this moment to write his name into Askham Bryan folklore. Hurling himself down and across like a goalkeeper on steroids, The Wheeler scooped his unfavoured left hand across the turf and underneath the speeding missile, plucking it millimetres from the ground like the man from Del Monte saving the best fruit from windfall oblivion. What a catch! One of the best your correspondent has ever seen, at all levels of the game… it was that good.

The Zeeshan was on a hat-trick! Now, as anyone who has ever been on for one before knows, Full and Straight is the requirement. Zeeshan charged in… Full, check. Straight… the ball just grazed the cut strip as it rocketed through to a startled Dr Dale. The fielders trudged back to their normal positions…

Within a few more overs, The Wood also gained just reward, bowling his man to leave Wheldrake tottering at 19-3. Just as Askham felt in control, Wheldrake consolidated to move slowly past 50 as The Mohite and The McCullough came into the attack. Sideshow was proving particularly hard to get away though, and his parsimoniousness was rewarded when he broke through to leave Wheldrake on 58-4 at drinks, roughly the same position as Askham had earlier been.

But Wheldrake remained patient, and they had to be as Classic McCullough lost his run up many, many times in one over… swearing louder and louder each time and seriously threatening The Copeland’s proud club record of Longest Over Ever Delivered. Who was timing him?

Gradually the scoreboard ticked over and Askham’s chance seemed to have come and gone; as none other than old ‘Safe Hands’ Grewer “dropped the HPH Cup” not once, but twice in one ball… and Wheldrake reached 83-4 as The Grewer and The Copeland trudged into the attack. Could Askham mount one final offensive? Cometh The Hour, cometh The Copeland. The Danger Man – Les Fearn, not Patrick McGoohan – was caught behind to a ball which held up into the wind and Askham had a sniff…

The Allen acted decisively and brought back his main men, The Zeeshan and The Ginger Executioner. The Zeeshan removed the last remaining batsman and it was that time again… Woody Time.

With each primeval roar it became clearer and clearer that Askham were rushing towards an early finish. The Ginger Marauder polished off the next 3 sacrificial lambs to leave Wheldrake on the brink, and miles away in Woody Towers his faithful hounds cowered, sure they could hear their master’s commanding voice on the strong westerly wind…

A farcical run-out engineered by The Hallis and Parag ended the slaughter 19 runs short of your heroes’ total, and Askham strode on to the next round of the HPH Cup. The Mitchell Cup? Maybe next year.

Askham Bryan 2s 89/3 beat Tadcaster Magnet 88 by 7 wickets

Skipper Bains lost the toss and the oppo chose to have a bat. Scooby started up from the car park end with Damian bowling from the shed end. Damian soon made an impact and first wicket fell, caught behind by Bala. Scooby then got in on the action with a C&B and another catch that was chipped to new player Matt “Coxsy” Cox at mid off. Damian also had a C&B and the top order were wobbled.

The 2 openers continued to bowl very well. Scooby picked up another caught behind and Damian picked up 2 wickets in quick succession, ripping out the pegs of 2 batsmen. Both bowlers were supported by some “national grid” fielding from all involved.

Change of bowling and Praveen came on at the car park end. Despite shouting “caaaaaaaatccchh” after every ball, whether the batsman had hit it in the air or not, he soon had his chance. This led to the……

Swan Lake Moment

The batsman chips it up in the air. Bains is standing at mid-wicket, time seems to slow down as he gracefully takes to the air, mere gravity no barrier. This prophetic union of man and ball, this defining moment of Saturday afternoons, this display which would fit in on BBC 4. We could only watch, open mouthed as the ball flew with the grace of a Scarborough seagull, right past Bains’ hand and into the outfield.

For those who want a visual representation of this, please see below.

Abhijit was bowling from the shed end. His off spinners were testing and he was unlucky not to pick up a wicket. He went for just 18 runs off 5 overs.

Like history repeating itself, like a sell-out crowd at the Bolshoi Theater in a rapturous standing ovation, an encore was required. Praveen charges in, the batsman chips it up to mid-wicket, Bains positions himself underneath it and safely takes the ball. Somewhere in heaven, Rudolf Nureyev sheds a tear.

Damian and Praveen the finished off the oppo, the last 2 men being bowled. Damian finished on 5-26 and Tadcaster Magnet finished on 88 all out.

Tea

The pub had again put on a decent spread of sandwiches, fruit, pasties and cakes. It was enjoyed by all players. Special thank you goes to our supporters including Marie and the Mason Clan.

Batting

Sam and Doug went out to the crease. Both started well, hitting boundaries within the first couple of overs. Doug was then unlucky to be given out LBW and Bains joined Sam at the crease. Sam was caught for 8 but got the innings off well.

Sharpey came out to join the skipper. The 2 got into stride and began batting confidently. The main highlight was an over from the shed end which went for 20, including 4 boundaries. We were up to the target before 20 overs.

However, there was a final twist in the tale. With scored level, Sharpey tried to finish it off by aiming for the car park but only managed to find mid-off, departing for 34. Brad scampered to put his pads back on and head out at number 5. Bains hit the winning runs and finished on 31 not out. A solid win by your heroes.

The team then retired to the Nag’s for a bit of killer darts and to greet the 1s on their successful win in the cup.

Awards

Brad Wood Hair –Related Quote of the Day award

Bradley (To The Copeland) – “Does your hair look like sideshow’s”
Woody – “It’s a bit short for that”
Bradley – “No, when it grows?”

Brad “Vidal Sassoon” Wood in the pub.

A mixture of quiz titans assembled at the Nag’s Head for Quizmaster Bains’ trivia challenge. Turnout was excellent, with a good mix of players and non players filling up the entire bar area of the pub.

There were 8 rounds in total plus a cricket-themed missing words round. Teams pitted their wits on subjects including Science and Nature, Movie Sequels and Famous Battles. Questions were of a decent standard but this being Mike, he had to throw in the gimme question. During the Sporting Nicknames Round he asked:

“Which cyclist was known as the Cannibal? I think he is Belgian and his name might be Eddy Mercx or something like that”

Still, it was a close contest. Last year’s winner the Dale (despite his knowledge of the Napoleonic Wars and Darts players turned driving instructors in Leicester) was defeated by the Sharpe/Strachan merger by a margin of 4 points.
Still, with the quiz over, we could get on to the raffle. There were a wide range of prizes available including chocolate, alcohol and a domestic appliance. By this time, an old drunk has arrived to prop up the bar and was enthusiastically getting involved in proceedings. I just hope he got home OK.

All in all, a successful night. Everyone had a good time and the club raised a decent amount of cash. Thanks to Mike and Chris for organising the event.

Askham Bryan 2s 62 lost to South Cave 63/0 by 10 wickets

Guest skipper Ian “Albert” Hall went out to the middle. We lost the toss and were put into bat. The skipper led from the front and opened up with Doug. Batting on what could be described as an unpredictable surface we made a good start, Ian hitting the first boundary down to mid-wicket. Albert then went, edging behind off a ball which rose sharply.

Scooby entered the fray, he was soon bowled for 0 and we were in trouble. Abhijit replaced him and started to nurdle. He soon went, another edge behind. Bradley went in and made the best of the difficult track, playing with a solid defence and settling the innings down. Doug was C&B for 13 and Sharpey then holed out for 1.

There was then a short rain break. Geoff and Brad resumed in the middle. Bradley then went, being bowled by a ball which kept very low and skidded onto the stumps. Praveen went in and played positively, attacking from ball 1 whilst Geoff kept the other end intact. Praveen was soon caught and then Bala went LBW. Things were looking bad, Geoff was still there and keeping the attack at bay but we knew this would be a low score.

Jayant was bowled and Geoff followed soon after, leaving Terry “Tel” Kiernan not out on 0. A low score, but we were buoyant, we were all up for giving this one a shot.

Tea

Tea was a solid range of the usual staples. Backed up with a lovely home-made tart from the oppo. We sat in the pavilion watching City Vs Stoke but then turned our attention to the wet paint on the wall which was infinitely more interesting. (Look what you missed Bains!)

Bowling

Skipper Albert gave one of his famous inspirational speeches. We were all up for this. Praveen and Scooby started off. Bowling was good but the oppo knew they could pick their shots. They were soon towards the total despite no one really doing anything wrong. Fielding was sharp including a direct hit from Scooby which would have gone upstairs.

Abhijit took over and bowed well, the game way beyond us now as the oppo just knocked the ball around. Jayant (in his final game this season) entered the fray with scores level but the loss was now reality. Terry had a good over as well, taking over from Scooby at the “Strange place for a bus stop” end.

On the plus side, it was a long drive home and we had finished in time to get back for the Eurovision. Germany were robbed. So to make it up to them I have unofficially decided to make Lena, their entrant, our club spokeswoman. They do it in the IPL, why not in Vale of York League 5?

Ach Mein Gott. Wunderbar!

Awards

Banter of the day award: “If you went on mastermind would your specialist subject be cricket bat maintenance?” – Tel Kiernan to Scooby after discussing his encyclopaedic knowledge of all things willow and linseed.

Someone’s been sleeping through Biology again award: “See that fielder down there, is that a man or a woman?” Bradley Wood’s keen observation from the pavilion during our innings.

Askham Bryan 2s 143 beat Thorpe Willoughby 86 by 57 runs

Steve “Daddy” Mason headed out to the middle and lost the toss. Askham were having a bat. Doug and Prateek opened up. Prateek started well, hitting the first boundary of the innings and then was unlucky to pick out the only fielder on the leg-side boundary. Paul “Snacks” Thornton came out to the middle. Doug fell soon after and The Copeland came to the crease. Chris then was caught behind for 4 and the top order was wobbled. Brad headed out to join his partner in crime.

The Ambulance

One of the bowlers fell awkwardly during his delivery stride. It was clear that this was not a routine knock. The game stopped for a while as we called for an ambulance, with all players chipping in to help out in the interim. When the paramedics arrived our fears were confirmed, this was a serious injury. We wish the player concerned a speedy recovery.

The game resumed. Scooby was into his stride, finding the boundary and hitting plenty of runs round around the ground. Brad was solid, hitting a couple of attractive 4s down to fine leg and building a good partnership which took us towards 20 overs.

Brad was then bowled and Sharpey headed out. Uncharacteristically, Sharpey decided to stick about for a bit, nurdling the odd runs here and there whilst Scooby carried on from the other end. Sharpey was eventually C&B and Praveen went in. Scooby then went for 44, being caught at mid off. Sam then followed for 0 and Daddy Mason went for 1. We were fairly confident that we could defend the score on the board, but the innings was not over yet.

Bala strode out to the crease. What followed was a flurry of boundaries which made Chris Gayle look like a more conservative version of Geoff Boycott. This included one massive 6 into the trees at the shed end which was still climbing as it cleared the fence. In true IPL fashion:

IT’S MASSIVE
CITI BANK MOMENT OF SUCCESS*

(*NB – Askham Bryan Cricket Club in no way endorses Citi Bank. This is merely for dramatic effect as Nag’s Head moment of success doesn’t quite have the same ring to it)

Praveen then went for 9, bringing Geoff in as last man. Bala continued to hit out and was eventually caught for a fine 39. Much needed runs that gave us a very defendable total.

Tea

The pub had again provided an excellent array of sandwiches, pasties, cakes and fresh fruit. The tea went down well with both sides.

Bowling

Praveen opened up. He was straight at the batsmen with some teasing line and length. A good first over was capped off with

The Stumping

Last ball of the over, play and miss down the off side. Bala, (standing back from the stumps) noticed that the batsman had overbalanced and strayed outside his crease. With lightning-fast reactions, he rolled the ball into the stumps. The appeal went up and the batsman was on his way back. A great start!

Scooby and Praveen continued to bowl tight line and length. The No 3 went for a big hit but chipped it straight into the bucket-hands of daddy Mason at mid off.

Prateek and Copeland were the first bowling change. Prateek made an immediate impact, getting a wicket in his first over as one was edged behind to Bala. Prateek then came in a few overs later with a double wicket maiden. First one was well caught by Brad at mid off. Prateek then finished off in style by cleaning up the next man for 0. Copeland got in on the action as well, clean bowling the remaining opener for a respectable 31. We were on top, everything was going our way until……

The Drop

Another one chipped up in the air, Mason was underneath it, surely a certain dismissal. Time all stopped as the ball fell out of his hands and hit the floor, we couldn’t believe it, Mason had dropped one. All that was needed was a rendition of the classic song:

“There’s a hole in my bucket-hands dear Liza dear Liza. There’s a hole in my bucket-hands dear Liza a hole!”
“Then Fix it dear Scooby dear Scooby dear Scooby. You can fix any bat but can you fix my hands?”*

(*The above may be fiction)

Anyway, we put the episode behind us. Copeland got in again with an LBW. Just 2 wickets were needed. Praveen came back on at the “Shed” end and was straight back in action. He cleaned up one of the remaining 2 and then the last wicket was plucked by Strickers. A good victory for your heroes. The bowlers were backed-up by some “electric” fielding. Special mention goes to Geoff and his Jonty Rhodes style diving stop, pick-up and throw all the same motion. It was good to watch!

Awards

Diplomat of the day award: “Your hair is well thin on top” Bradley “tell it like it is” Wood to Mason in the pub.