Askham Bryan Cricket Club

This is not the beginning of the end. It is merely the end of the beginning.

With Churchillian exhortations ringing in their ears, the newest team in the Foss Evening Cricket League assembled at Fortress Askham for the last first match of the season. Buoyed by the last minute arrival of Umpire Bains bringing caps and shirts, the latter contributed a welcome extra layer between our sculpted torsos and THE COLDEST MAY FOR 100 YEARS. At least one player found himself regretting his decision not to wear his “lucky long johns”…

Our opponents, The Retreat II, spent the entire allotted time before start of play knocking in a new bat. Clearly these were men not to be underestimated. Your heroes indulged in a few WWE-style neck stretches and Dreamworks MKG [Mason/Kiernan/Greig] banter on their way to ringside, and battle commenced with the home team in the field.

The Retreat II innings

The Copeland got us underway, but which version would bowl today? The 2011 vintage (good), or the 2008-10 (awful)? Clearly any muscle memory from the Thorpe Willoughby game had been washed away by too much Welsh rain… it was the familiar filth from the Shed End. Thankfully The Old Master Thornton was on hand at the Sightscreen End, bowling advanced right-arm guile. The openers quickly realised that they were in for feast and famine. Whilst The Copeland leaked 20 from his 3 overs before having the ball prised from his malfunctioning left hand, our inspirational skipper conceded just 4 runs from his quota of 5 overs. Unlucky not to take at least 2 wickets due to dropped catches…

The Parsimoniousness Of Paul [POP] held us in good stead as we continued to struggle with the ball at the far end. Tom Jaros was fresh from 4 wickets on Saturday, but he bowled slightly too full and also conceded 20 from his 3 overs. The Greig took over from POP and was too short for such a docile wicket, providing a few too many scoring balls.

After 14 overs Askham was a bit quiet. Even Damian had received a thorough b#ll#cking from the Shed End umpire for too much chat! We’d not managed to take any wickets and The Retreat were motoring along at more than 5 an over. Time to stop the rot, we needed to reproduce POP.

The Botterill finally claimed our first wicket in the 15th over, a yorker drilling into the bottom of middle stump was too good. In the 17th over he sent the other opener’s middle stump cartwheeling past the jubilant Mason. Once Glyn had removed both openers we were able to restore POP. Only 5 runs came from the last 3 overs; The Copeland returned at the POP end to claim his first evening wicket for 7 years and The Retreat closed on a manageable 94-4 off their 20 overs.

Despite dropping regular catches as usual, there was some very good fielding on display which helped limit the total. Fraser Strachan was very tidy all day at mid-off… and of course Terry Tigernaan prowling at mid-on… anyone lucky enough to be at the College that night will not easily forget the marvellous sight of the Tiger diving at full stretch to save 4 with his huge outstretched left forepaw.

Four paw.

He Loves Those.

Askham Innings

The Copeland and The Mason strode out to open the innings. The Mason confided to his partner that he was worried about giving the opposition “false hope” by gifting them an early wicket! Of course there’s an easy solution to that Steve…

After a circumspect first over, both batsmen ­­­set about the Retreat bowling with relish. The Mason in particular tucked in with such gusto one could have imagined that he was sitting down to tea at Westow. After 6 overs we were halfway to victory on 48-0 and the crowd was loving Mason’s brutal assault! Blasting away and brandishing his bat like a cudgel, no opposition bowler escaped the merry wrath of this modern day Bill Sykes.

The Retreat played their final card, Vale League stalwart and former Askham ace Geoff Deighton. With over 60 years of top-level Vale League experience, this was the one man who could stop the Masonic Express. His snow-topped grenades threatened a slow, slow, slow, slow death.But once The Copeland smashed him over mid-wicket for six, and Sykes-Mason swivel-pulled him round the corner for four more, the opposition knew the game was up. In fact one could have remarked that they were in full Retreat!

Oh yes, He Really Does.

The two openers resolved to finish the job themselves. Bill Sykes added insult to grievous bodily harm by cudgelling the ball so far into the long grass that the spare was called for, and soon afterwards the first milestone arrived. The Mason could celebrate his maiden 50 for Askham Bryan, having smashed a stunning 9 fours!

Better than running…

Would there be a fairytale ending, Man-of-the-Match Mason belabouring one more boundary to clinch victory? Sadly not, as in the 14th over 2 wides were conceded which took us past our target……for a mind-boggling 10 wicket win! The first I’ve ever been involved in for Askham. What a performance, and what a way to start our Foss Evening League Campaign. Can it get any better than this?

Askham Bryan won by 10 wickets with 6.1 overs remaining.

Splashdown!

The wet start to the 2012 season continued, as ABCC 2s entertained Burton Salmon at The Retreat, with our home ground unavailable due to a Flower Show. Nice…

Skipper Mike Bains collected Srikkanth from the station in warm sunshine and they got to the ground to find a soggy but playable strip. Major problem at the ‘Shipman’ end, however. Around 12 yards in from the boundary, it was somewhat damp. The two set out boundary markers whilst watching their own feet disappear – literally – into the grass as the ground opened and closed. It was like a swamp-monster style story from the X-Files! When the crocodiles came out, we headed for the pavilion.

Today’s line-up saw 9 of the 11 that had lost last time out at Dunnington, with Bains and Srikkanth replacing Prasath and Tom Stubbs. Burton Salmon elected, somewhat surprisingly given that the coin got stuck, to bat.

Scooby took the first over and was immediately probing. Vikas joined from the other end. In the third over, Askham struck. Scooby teased the opening bat into a loose, but firmly hit cover-drive, which arced its way into the covers. There, prowling, was the Captain. As the drive faded toward the turf,Bains took off, swooping to his left to take a full-length, two handed, elegant, breathtaking, awe-inspiring, superb, unbelievable, practically-professional standard, totally amazing catch.

The bar had been set very, very high indeed.

A partnership followed. Scooby was hit for three straight sixes as batters one and three had not read the script. Vikas worked hard from the Tropics end, but the score crept up and the wickets stuck at 1. Scooby bowled a good length ball on leg stump, which was flicked away toward the crocodile enclosure. Never fear , Kamesh was here. Suddenly, he slipped. And what a slip. He slid fully ten yards and was engulfed in a massice surge / tidal wave of thick, cold, muddy water. Not nice. But bloody funny.

Bains played the joker in the pack. Damo gave up telling shit jokes and took three wickets, Vikas took 4-7 off his 12, Terry Tigernaan weighed in with the last wicket as Burton Salmon collapsed like that oh-so soggy turf, to 72 all out. The skipper’s courageous swallow dive had indeed inspired the troops to an excellent team display.

We had a good tea and Skipper Bains organized the batting. Srikkanth, all the way down from Newcastle, opened with Sam Abbey. Srikkanth must’ve thought there was only one train back as he threw caution to the wind and his wicket, well, away. Damo had to leave early so came in at three, told some poor jokes,hit a four and left. Jolly hockey sticks. But he did bowl well today. Brad Wood defended stoutly at four, before clipping one to square leg. 23-3… surely the watching home fans (three teachers, a doctor and a stone-Mason),would not leave deflated?

Scooby strode to the crease, experience radiating from every squelch. He was soon hitting crisp drives and Sam picked off the odd loose ball as the score crept up.

Sam hit a soft catch to mid-off. In came Bala. Our man-tree, our colossus, our Ya Ya Toure… Anything short he smote towards – indeed over – the wet white lines. Full tosses were smacked with disdain. Bala’s lungs have something of the Praveen-tobacco-tar inside them however, and he was comfortably out-paced by his mature co-hero, looking to post the maximum 30 points for ABCC. The end was in sight.

But the bounce was low and slow and Scooby missed one that cut back slightly. A lip-reader would have been able to pick out the curses that accompanied the angry walk back. Vikas, at Dunnington, had been out to the very first ball of our batting season. Not sure what sort of metal you get for THAT kind of duck. But today, he stood firm, and he finished the game with a hoisted four over midwicket.

A really good display, hopefully the first of many this season. Many many thanks to the Mason four, to Dr Jayant, to Simon, Adrian and Dave the three teachers, for their support. Dr Jayant, you need to work on Bala’s lungs. He’s your guinea pig now that Praveen has gone.Simon helped out and supported all day, even finding time in the evening for some celebratort supping at the Nag’s. Dave scored, Adrian umpired.
The good doctor shouted at Bala. We are lucky to have good people like this in our Club.

Oh band of happy men!

As for riveting conversations, well there’s something in my chest that goes ‘bump’ when Steve Mason, Terry Kiernan and Damian Greig are all on the same greensward at the same time. I cannot wait for next week.

Mike Bains

ABCC Fantasy Football

The start of the 2012 season was welcomed by all 11 Askham players, the early season anticipation was tangible. New equipment awaited the crew – in the form of boundary rope, which has been 4 years in waiting, but would it come with a win or would it be a noose around our necks at the end?
Along with new rope, the Copeland was sporting a new white sweater, very fitting for the freezing conditions, but it was a kick back to Wham in the 80’s, it definitely wasn’t a day for Club Tropicana – more Last Christmas.
To top it off the welcome party lined the road to greet The Grewer, how lucky they are to play in the same team as this sporting legend. He didn’t let them down, rolling up in his new pimp white Audi with Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls blaring out of the super woofers. The next big question – what colour slip? Matching his car and as it is the in colour, TG was wearing a new slinky white slip – emotions were running high in the team.
The toss followed.
Phil duly lost and so started his usual record; how long will it be before he becomes a real tosser? On a slow, wet, icy wicket the boys were asked to bat. Phil and the enigmatic Parag once again began their opening partnership. They have a close loving relationship and it is always nice to see them stride out together.
As expected the scoring was slow and would be all day. Could Askham post a score to defend. Parag attacked in his usual way, striking a nice 4 early on, lifting the ball over the bulk of the long grass that cows would love to feast upon. Then the opening lovers had a tiff. Parag hit the ball and didn’t move, Phil ran….soon standing next to each other, who had the balls to stand their ground? Phil pulled rank and Parag trudged off having been dumped by his opening partner. Revenge will be sweet Parag!
The spritely Bains arrived at the crease and immediately took charge of the partnership. Phil once again resumed his gimp like ways, leaving Mike to be Mistress and dominate the scoring. 10 overs later he finally surpassed Parags score before finally succumbing.
Doug arrived at the party and along with Mike made steady progress in building a total. After 29 overs ABCC were struggling on 68-2. Time to push on. Mike tried but failed. This brought The Grewer to the crease. Could the old legend deliver once again. Not good conditions for the powerhouse of ABCC, no sun, no champers, no crowd shouting their love for the machine. It ended with only 3 to His name after 4 balls, as brief as his white slip!
The slayer then joined in only to return soon after. Wake me up before you go go then arrived. And how. Dazzling and dashing shots were wielded. Doug finally left after scoring a long but vital 21. The brute Mason arrived. What a contrast. It was George Michael meeting Goliath at the crease. Brawn versus beauty – who would prevail? Suddenly Chris pulled a short ball for a long and impressive 6, baby I’m your man! Top of the sixes league and standing tall.
Not to be outdone, Steve smashed an even longer straight six, wham. Sweet Child o Mine could be heard. But the music soon faded out as Steve’s middle stump was taken out. Simon arrived to help take the Askham score to a hard fought 112.
Tea ensued and it was duly noted that there seemed to be more cake and sandwiches, including plenty of cheese correctly accompanied with pickle.
The mighty returned to the field where Parag and George Michael opened the attack. Everyone knew we had to bowl and field like gods. And we did. Parag was a little wayward early on and so was replaced by The Slayer aka Matthew Hoggard. How well he and George bowled in tandem – eat your Heart out Ridgeley. They pegged back Thorpe and at the drinks break they were stuck on 50-1 with George having taken the wicket to lead him to the Edge of Heaven.
But who would take up the mantle, we needed a hero. Who else but The Grewer of course. Having taken a couple of overs to de-ice himself, and no doubt Phil doubting his decision, The Grewer then struck. A pacy swinging ball was delivered that struck the Thorpe batter plum in front, nearly shattering his tibia, OUT. Hoggard also then picked up 2 deserved wickets and the mighty began to believe.
TG smelt the sweet taste of Glory, jeered on by the second most attractive man in the club, Adrian, who had come to umpire and score as a result of his shoulder injury from last year suffered when lifting The Grewer aloft in jubilant praise.
The Grewer devoured the Thorpe batsmen, spitting them out one by one. This immense herculean effort was worth paying money for. Still a tight ending was looming. The Grewer had snared 6 victims in 9 overs of pure pace, swing and guile, having given only 24 runs away. However 1 remained with 2 overs left and 12 runs needed. Parag had returned after Dave completed his impressive spell. Finally Parag got his man and the match was won.
All hail the Mighty, what a performance, all hail the bowling attack who worked so well in unison, and of course all hail The Grewer – still a legend. Come on Faron, slip me!
Final score ABCC 112 for 7, Thorpe Willoughby 101 all out.

Fantasy Football League Table
Fantasy Football League Table

2012 Rules- Foss Evening Cricket League
Rules- Foss Evening Cricket League

2012 Fixtures MasterSheet

The latest League Table is below. 8 goals seems to have been a good haul since the last table.

Walton’s Wanderers have banged in 11! Sue Burnett has extended her lead to 2 goals.

Dear website-watchers:

I get asked to put a number of things on the website. Most of them standard things – reports, news, photos. But this slightly odd one arrived in my inbox this morning. So, without further ado:

T.H.E. (“Dangerous”) Grewer’s Askham Bryan I, in order of Attractiveness

The following eleven is based on those chosen for Askham I in the first week of June 2011 and ordered by T.H.E. Grewer in terms of their attractiveness.

Grewer
Stipetic
Strachan
Wheeler
Parag
Zee
Walton
Sladen
Prateek
Allen
Wood

Make of this what you will

Hallis