Askham Bryan Cricket Club

Heworth IV vs Askham Bryan II – 24th July 2010
By Chris “Cross” Copeland

Heworth Innings – Due to the inconsiderate scheduling of the Sky Bet York Stakes, over 42,000 loutish race-goers prevented your correspondent from arriving in Elmpark Way in time to see the first ball. And probably urinated on your doorstep on their way home.

The approaching cloud of dust alerted Captain Paul “Scooby” Thornton to the impending late arrival, followed by an emergency stop pitch-side and the fastest kit change you’ll never see. Your heroes were now numerically complete with only one over on the board. I’m sure it was a cracker.

Captain Paul “Snacks” Thornton and Sameer opened the bowling, with new recruit Damian enthusiastically opening the sledging. The Thornton operated with his usual surgical precision, allied to significant outswing which never failed to trouble the batsmen. Sameer generated good pace and prodigious inswing, which proved tricky to control for both batsmen and bowler. Chances came from the beginning, with both openers edging sharp catches to out-of-form team mascot The Copeland in the slips. True to form, they were put down (of course). He did not love those.

Despite losing no early wickets, Heworth were unable to pile on the runs due to the tourniquet being applied with relish by Thornton in particular. After the first 10 overs were safely negotiated, the Captain gambled on the maverick The Copeland, with the reliable Afshin as insurance at the other end. It did the trick, despite another 2-3 catches going down; The Copeland and Afshin bowled one opener each and Askham were up and running.

The Askham pressure continued as runs proved hard to come by. The Copeland bullied another wicket by pinning a young batsman in the box; next ball he hoisted the white flag, scooped a simple catch to cover and scurried off to check the damage. Unfortunately for Askham this only brought Basher senior to the crease, showing off his manly figure in a highly provocative skin-tight shirt. This masterpiece of gamesmanship loosened Askham’s hold on the score. The Copeland and Afshin quickly retreated from the attack to muse on the shapely vision, bringing on Jayant and Sameer for a second spell. Despite regular wickets in the final 10 overs, the scoring increased rapidly; mostly from the bat of the lovely Basher. The fielding level stayed generally high during the onslaught, with a special mention going to a spectacular boundary save by Praveen who then arrowed in a superb throw over the stumps.

The final ball of the innings was bowled by Jayant, who defeated the advancing batsman and Bala removed the bails for a comprehensive stumping. The scenes of jubilation were reminiscent of the footage of Madrid in the aftermath of Iniesta’s late, late winner. Heworth finished with a highly creditable 182-8; Jayant with 3 wickets, Sameer and The Copeland 2 each and Afshin 1.

Tea – One couldn’t help wondering whether Heworth had learnt valuable lessons from the Askham Teas Production Line. A whole platter of melon on which to feast our eyes (and our stomachs). Simple sandwiches accompanied by carrot batons, celery sticks and the ubiquitous cherry tomato. Various meat things, which your roving reporter passed by. Fruit cake, lemon cake (probably), chocolate muffins. KitKats. Crisps, helpfully still in the packet for identification purposes. Obviously no one at Heworth likes Roast Chicken flavour. And why would they?

The best thing about playing Heworth’s fourth team though is that the first team play in the York & District League and had tea an hour before us. Therefore the bolder members of the team could pick at the left-overs from their tea also! Being proper cricketers they couldn’t pack away as much as us, and so there was a veritable delight in store… Real Athletes don’t eat cakes in the middle of a Cricket Match.

Askham Innings – Once The Copeland and Doug had finished cramming as much sugary goodness into their gullets as humanly possible, it was time to prepare for the tiresome business of swallowing batting. As some of you may know, facing the first ball is anathema to The Copeland, but his execrable recent form had prompted a degree of fatalism. He would bat at number 1, please.

Waddling together to the wicket, Doug reminded his partner that crease occupation was what we were looking for. The Copeland heartily agreed, and chose this moment to inject the budding partnership with confidence: “I haven’t scored a run since May”.

Whatever he was expecting, he wasn’t expecting Heworth to open with a left-arm spinner. In the first over The Copeland essayed a massive heave at one ball, completely missing. Thus loosened up, he tried a gentle 9 iron over the infield for two, earning his first runs in eight weeks.

Heworth then employed the unsettling tactic of a steady succession of 13-year-old seamers from the Cricket Ground End, inviting instant ignominy for anyone unlucky enough to present them with their wicket. Doug looked in great touch however, whipping the spinner through square leg for four; before yet another Askham Umpiring Controversy:

Askham Umpiring Controversy I (that obviously doesn’t bode well, does it?) – Doug, picturing the excellent shot he played through square leg, attempted a repeat from a slightly fuller ball. He missed and the ball rapped him on the pad. The whole Heworth team appealed, and Umpire Afshin confirmed his dismissal quicker than this…

Doug trudged off, with a Gatting-esque air of disbelief. Your reporter had an excellent view of the entire incident; Afshin stated confidently that it was definitely out. Wasn’t it? Doug returned to umpire several overs later, it was definitely not out of course. The Copeland remained diplomatically impartial, but mused that it was maybe time for another impromptu Umpiring Seminar…

Captain Paul “Mon Las” Thornton was next in, looking to rebuild the innings. A nice partnership developed, taking ones and twos where possible from the spinner and the odd boundary from the 13-year-olds at the other end. The score pushed past 50, and Heworth were beginning to argue amongst themselves. The highlight was a waist-high full toss, which The Copeland mis-hit straight for four. Celebrity Umpire Damian immediately no-balled the diminutive bowler, whereupon the Heworth captain took umbrage. Damian offered him outside (metaphorically speaking), which left the Captain with no option but to mutter that he was “just asking a question”…

Unfortunately just at this point Askham suffered a mini-collapse. The captain mis-cued a drive straight to mid-on; a few balls later The Copeland was bowled for 43 by a classic off-break; Praveen followed soon after and Askham were in disarray at 70-4. What else could go wrong?

Askham Umpiring Controversy II – Brad Wood and Sameer needed to steady the ship, and managed to keep the scoreboard ticking over. Pervez Akhtar however was looking every inch the mystery spinner from the CG End; Brad was taking no chances at all. Suddenly a delivery cannoned into his front pad, huge appeal, is he out? Of course he is! Or is he? Brad rejoined us at the boundary edge, agreeing that it would’ve been out, “except I hit it”.

Charitably he forgave Umpire Jayant, who was suitably penitent after hearing the bad news. The 5th wicket brought Celebrity Umpire and Sledging Supremo Damian to the crease. After a short but fruitful partnership with Sameer, Damian wound up for a straight ball from Pervez and missed it.

Steve Horne strode to the wicket with Askham 6 down for less than 100 and in dire straits. Now began the most entertaining partnership of the entire match. At one end The Horne was knocking the ball nicely into the gaps, with Sameer Schwarzenegger thrashing the ball around and running maniacally between the wickets, whilst bellowing instructions to his partner… “COME ON, RUN! YES, THERE’S TWO THERE, DO IT NOW! DERE’S NO TIME, GET TO THE CHOPPER!”

With these two at the crease Heworth were rattled. Askham needed only 68 off the last 10 overs. ABCC were loudly supporting their brave comrades and enjoying the entertainment. Sadly it wasn’t to last; Sameer departed for an enterprising 34 and Jayant followed soon after.

Bala then entered the fray for a swashbuckling innings, frustrating the Heworth fielders who now wanted to get out of the rain. He dashed to 13 before he too fell, leaving Afshin and The Horne as the last partnership. Could Askham make 150 for another point?

Indeed they could, the target was reached in the last over and the two protagonists remained undefeated. Askham finished on 151-9, with Steve Horne compiling a commendable 16*. Indeed, if your heroes hadn’t insisted on bowling so many wides, dropping so many catches and dismissing each other then we surely would have carried the day.

The day ended with a short revision course, faithfully reproduced here in its entirety:

The Copeland Umpiring Seminar

“Not Out.”

This entry was posted on Monday, July 26th, 2010 at 4:32 pm and is filed under Match Report, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.