Stillingfleet vs. Askham Bryan

Stillingfleet vs. Askham Bryan CC, 1st August 2015

By Peter Wood

(Editor’s note: a couple of historically accurate but possibly risqué references have been replaced with “….”, where the reader is invited to use their own imagination)

The Grewer was awoken by Faron on match day as requested.  Saturdays wakeup call involved Faron gently massage the various areas of TG’s body which are carrying injuries.  As Faron worked his way around The Grewer’s body he would whisper phrases to inspire the great man.  As TG stirred Faron was working on his hamstring “this is one of the most powerful muscles in your whole body, it will not fail you, not today, not ever”.  TG’s achilles was next “this will not be your weakness; it will power you to many victories, both today and your upcoming ironman.”   While Faron worked on TG’s …. (which was not injured but a crucial part of the wakeup call) TG asked Faron to keep the ironman a secret from his cricket team mates.  Faron looked confused but The Grewer reminded him that TG did not like to discuss any ironman in front of people in case they felt intimidated.

The morning weather was perfect for cricket but as The Grewer was cruising to the ground the weather started to change.  The Grewer assessed the wicket from the car and deemed it as bowler friendly.  Upon his arrival TG graciously acknowledged two of the Stillingfleet players.  The Grewer saw the look of fear in their eyes as one made a quick apology to the captain and collected his things and the other made his way to the bathroom.  The Grewer entered the changing room to the normal round of applause. TG then let some of his ‘teammates’ pat him on the back and shake his hand.  After a liberal application of sanitising hand cream TG slipped on the grey slip and waited for the results of the toss.  Stand in captain Chris Copeland returned to the changing room with news of a win and that he had taken the positive move to have a bat on the bowler friendly wicket.  Chris informed the side that Stillingfleet were starting with nine but were hopeful of ten if they could persuade a player to open the bathroom door.

The Grewer turned his hand to manual labour as he demanded to change the scoreboard at the end of each over.  The Grewer watched Parag and Dave S open the innings, both were keen the impress The Grewer and ensure he was able to fulfil his work to the highest standard by scoring quickly.  The Grewer would check with scorer Dale at the end of each over but this was a formality as TG had been keeping an immaculate metal scorecard.  DS was the first wicket to fall, TG’s scorecard read ran out but it was widely accepted that Dave’s motivation to be close to The Grewer was higher than his want to bat.  TG rewarded Slayer with brief conversation about his innings and allowing him to listen to TG tell anecdotes of his greatest achievement.  The fall of wicket brought Speakman to the crease, the following over provided some excellent rain broken entertainment.  The Grewer was engaging his ‘teammates’ with riveting conversation and updating the scoreboard with ease.  The Grewer accurately nudged the board round as Parag passed 50 then 100.  TG was also dominant when Adrian passed his 50 by revealing the state of the game with precise scoreboard management.

Parag, clearly motivated by TG watching on, was scoring quickly, passing his previous best score (137).  Parag reached 150 within 27 overs with the team total on 226.  After a few more blows Parag’s motivation to see The Grewer bat outweighed his own want for a double hundred and he fell for 170 off 87 balls.  Stillingfleet were broken, they knew that all that had gone before was inconsequential as The Grewer popped in his XXXL box and marched out to the middle.  TG took guard and had a look at the pitch, on inspection his early suspicions were correct; this track was bowler friendly.  The Grewer, feeling the expectation of his teammates knew this was a pivotal point in the game.  The Grewer had to fight his natural instincts to demolish the opposition attack and outscore Parag because TG knew that a batting collapse now, would hand the game to Stillingfleet.

At the other end Adrian’s inexperience was evident as he started to up the scoring rate, scoring runs freely, around the ground, including a six.  The Grewer stepped in to take control of the situation by taking the majority of the strike and protecting his junior partner.  The Grewer proceeded to play the most important innings of the game, as he consolidated the Askham position with a hard fought 6 off 24 balls.  Skipper Copeland, witnessed the irresponsible Speakman batting and after another Speakman boundary felt it was safer to declare than hand the opposition the advantage.  Askham finished on 302 off 35.4 overs; Speakman ended up on a reckless 100 not out.

The Grewer expertly selected the correct amount of carbohydrates, protein, salts and sugars from the buffet.  The team were upbeat after their first half performance but TG educated his ‘teammates’ on a finer performance at Westow.  This game took place on an unplayable pitch where TG single handily guided the team to 273 scoring a hundred before the opposition was dismissed for 54.  The team agreed that TG was correct and they had probably underperformed in light of The Grewer performance at Westow.

The Grewer led the fielding practice before the Stillingfleet response.  TG felt good in his new whites. TG asked Faron to take them in a little around the crouch area to emphasis TG’s massive …..   This was evident by the first ball as Woody mistook The Grewer’s package for a set of stumps and bowled directly at them…wide ball.  Motivated by the testosterone seeping from TG, Askham started well.  TG was positioned at slip, although this is a catching position the main aim was to intimidate the non-striking batsman.  The risky plan produced instant results with TJ striking early.  The flip side resulted in ‘wides a plenty’ by the innocent open bowler, who was indirectly in the firing line of The Grewer intimidating, …. heavy frame.  The opening bowling pair battled successfully against the presence of TG at slip and Stillingfleet were 5 down for 48.  TJ with three, Wood with two.  Captain Copeland smelt victory and turned to Rob S and Ian H (from the field end) to see the team home.  Rob delivered an accurate line and length beating the bat often.  Hall countered this by offering up a variety of flight and length.  The Grewer was a constant physical display to the opposition as he sprinted to his fielding positon between overs.

The pressure applied by TG proved too much for all as Stillingfleet attempted to dispatch Hall to Cawood.  The plan laid down by Hall did require some boundaries to be scored but this was ‘a means to an end’.  Four Stillingfleet batsman felt to this mode of dismissal and Hall revelled in his own mastery.  Rob mopped up at the ‘other field end’ and returned figures of 5-1-6-1.  Motivator Copeland led the handshakes and headed the team to the changing rooms.  Silence fell as CCC summarised the game “the most clinical performance in Askham Bryan history”.  TG disagreed and referred to the Westow game.  The team agreed with TG.  Thanked The Grewer for his great performance and awarded him the man of the match award.  TG accepted the award, noted the performances of Parag and Adrian but agreed his 6 off 24 balls was the turning point in the game.

6 Responses to “Stillingfleet vs. Askham Bryan”

  1. The Grewer Says:

    Cheeky bugger! I got 7!!!!

  2. Albert Says:

    It just goes to show that Faron’s scoring is clearly not as good as yours, TG!

    I am, of course, still revelling in my own mastery.

  3. Adrian Says:

    ‘ witnessed the irresponsible Speakman batting’ – according to some I still wasn’t scoring quickly enough…

  4. Dan Wheeler Says:

    I will forever be grateful that I was present to witness that incredible performance (the performance of The Grewer at Westow I mean!)

  5. Stipetic Says:

    Great performance, great report, livid with whoever spilt the secret that TG was doing an Ironman. If that person dares to buy him an ironman shirt afterwards and force him to wear it then that would also be extremely disappointing.

  6. The Copeland Says:

    What a delight awaited me on my return from foreign parts… this wonderful and thoroughly historically accurate report. Thank you Peter!

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